Ramblings of a doula and more

Journey

2012-01-18T10:24:00.001-05:00

Journey

The soul's journey moves towards change and healing.

When we reach cronehood we walk a new path of union with self.

We accept aging peacefully and honor our time here.

As you travel, be truly who you are in every moment.

Let your journey be full of excitement and adventure.

When you return, may you be at home within yourself.

This was my next card in the Wisdom of the Crone cards. I have not drawn from this deck in a long while. I think it ironic that in only a few weeks I will be traveling to Charleston to be with my oldest daughter in a journey that will forever change her. And this journey will bring not only change to her life and body but healing. She is following my path. It is hard to watch our children follow us on a path that we know will bring a level of pain and a metamorphosis that will challenge her in so many ways. But it is also reinforcement of the guide you hope to be with your children. I have lived out what she will be going through. I am glad I did it and I am sure she will be too. but this step she is taking is only one step in this journey.

My journey did not begin with my bilateral mastectomy. It was long ago when events began to weave who I am. And now as I am in the last half of my life, I realize that the path is different but none the less one I must walk with courage and light! I also understand the acceptance of aging that this card mentions- even more as I watch my body change over time. I run my hand along my neck and realize that the wrinkles that are there will not be going away. I put my finger in the creases between my eyes and realize the depth is not going to diminish. And yet when I see others who are beyond my age, I do not see the creases and winkles as ugly but I see them as wisdom. I am beginning to embrace those changes that are no longer subtle as my wisdom beginning to show on my face, within my body. And this makes me smile. I have a while more to walk this path, life's journey. There will be more wrinkles and creases I feel sure!

I love that this card reminds me to love adventure and have excitement in my life! I love adventure and try to embrace it fully with a child like attitude. I like fun exciting things even more now than I think I did when I was young. I am trying to stay healthy and vibrant in this older body! And I feel I am being true to who I am still within it! Growing older need not be something to fear but instead it is part of the journey. I will embrace it!

Metamorphosis Events

2012-01-08T17:26:00.001-05:00

Mom having cancer, age 9
Mom having cancer the second time when I was the only daughter left at home, age 16
Governor's School for the summer- two months away from home, age 16
Baptism and becoming a part of the campus ministry as a Senior in high school , age 17
Going away to NCSU, age 18
Meeting Dallas and marrying at the age of 19
Becoming a mother at the age of 20
Having a child have major surgeries from age 22 to 36
Father being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, age 30
Hysterectomy at age 32
My parents coming to live with me, age 37
Becoming a professional doula, age 38
My father dying, age 45
Becoming a grandmother for the first time, age 45
My mother dying, age 47
Dallas buying his own business, age 48
My bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, age 50
Breast cancer diagnosis and multiple abdominal surgeries, age 50 to 52
Walking in my first 3Day Breast Cancer Walk, age 51
My sister dying, age 52

HEROES, Ending and Beginning a New Year

2012-01-01T20:04:00.002-05:00

This week was a week of heroes for me. Hero- according to Webster means:

a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability, one who shows great courage or an object of extreme admiration and devotion

I have encountered some incredible heroes this week. It began with spending some time with my oldest daughter Julie Moon, who is undergoing an bilateral mastectomy in a month. She is choosing to follow in my footsteps and remove her breasts for preventative health since I passed the breast cancer gene to her. She is struggling with the time away from her family and the financial costs, but she is facing the idea of having this surgery with great courage. To be so young and facing this with such strength, Julie is my hero.

My next hero is another young mother. This week I was able to doula for a couple who chose to have their twin girls in a different way than most moms with twins decide to do. The first twin was not growing as well as she should, so an induction was scheduled. The mere thought of an induction causes many to rush for a medicated birth, but she chose to go into this induction with an open heart to waiting to see if she would need pain medication. After a long labor and although she was already fully dilated, exhausted from a day of the induction, she chose an epidural to try to get some sleep. But just after getting it, she realized that she would not get the long awaited rest for the feeling on pushing won out over the sleep she so badly needed. This meant the must desired respite was forgone for three hours of pushing instead. Her first baby came sunny side up and the second was a footling breech extraction. I was in awe of this mom's belief in her body and in birth. Her partner was super supportive of her choices. Emily and Josh are my heroes.

During that labor, two more heroes were obvious. The midwife, Margaret and the physician, Brad, were on hand to support this mom with not just lip service but being fully vested in the success of this couple to get the birth options that they chose. Being a supporter of birth in the climate of medicalized directed maternity care that is more concerned about malpractice safety than evidenced based medicine is incredible. Margaret Strickhouser has remained in the forefront of this mission to support birth for many decades and Brad Bootstaylor, a new found supporter, are my heroes. These two would return as heroes as the weekend evolved to support even more families. Both would be willing to come in in the wee hours to offer assistance to support birth as they know it can be and should be done. Margaret and Brad are my heroes!

Then I was able to offer labor support to a couple who had a long prodromal labor and lingered with irregularity and unpredictability for the three days they faced their labor. This mom faced many of her fears in the midst of her storm and stayed the course. She gave birth, although extremely exhausted and was able to push out the daughter who had stayed resistant to turning from the sunny side up position throughout labor! The father was able to be a part of the catching of their daughter in the moments just before the new year came. Shilpa and Abhi are my heroes.

During this long arduous labor, another couple who had resisted the urge to rush the birth date for their son, had finally gone into labor at 42 weeks and 2 days. And my new hero became Charlotte, a doula who works with me. I did not know that in the last two nights she had only gotten four hours of sleep each night. That night only two hours of sleep had been had when I called her to ask if she could come to the hospital. She never hesitated to answer my cry for help. My two clients who had due dates three full weeks apart were in labor together now! The twins had come a month early. I was about to have my third mom in labor within 3 days. Twins were born on Thursday, one baby was born on Saturday and now another on Sunday. I was asking Charlotte to come and be with the couples as I moved between the two. They both wanted me to be with them and glad that they were only two rooms apart, I was delighted that Charlotte would be the cohesive band that knit that consistent care for them both. Both couples could not say enough wonderful things about her support. I could not have been the doula to the two families without that loving flow that she brought. Charlotte is my hero.

And speaking of heros, there were three more heroes for the year on my list. The last mom to labor in 2011 who was also the first to birth with me in 2012 started my year off spectacularly.Faezeh is a woman I am most in awe of this year. She has these golden eyes that melt your heart. She is so full of passion and determination. She had a two day labor that started with contractions coming every three minutes and lasting a full minute. She rocked and cranked out these contractions for hours. She was slow to complain as this baby began to hurt her back due to his position. She might moan out the word "back" and then begin her work. She would sometimes look at me and say no as I suggested yet one more way to spin her baby, then she would move into the position suggested. We watched her find her own positions with her intuitive guide within her in between our suggestions. Her labor came to a halt at 4pm on Saturday and ended in a failed forceps attempt by Brad and a surgical birth 18 hours later Sunday morning. She had only gotten a small dose of narcotic at a mid point in that time to help her sleep and perhaps relax those last 1.5cm away. We had tried everything we knew to help this mom have a vaginal birth. But her son's asynclitic head presentation that had occurred sometime in the last half of her labor was unrelenting. Those eyes beckoned with us to help her find a way. She had stayed on course and strong in spite of others feelings that she should get an epidural or Pitocin earlier. This was truly the only path left to have this baby in the OR. But at least it was a gentle cesarean where the baby stayed skin to skin immediately afterwards and the parents and baby were both honored in the birth. She faced her birth with great courage with her husband Ali by her side. Fazeah and Ali were my heroes.

But the year of heroes would not be complete without two more. There is my husband who kissed me goodbye on Friday morning and did not see me to kiss me again until three days later having missed bringing in the new year for the first time with me in 35 years. In the almost 20 years as a doula, I have been at births almost every holiday, but this was the first time I had missed kissing him and bringing the new year in in his arms. I had a moment of being sentimental and melancholic as I had watched the fireworks break in the sky above the Atlanta skyline at midnight. He is so supportive of what I do. He does complains sometimes, but he knows this is what I do, what I love and he stands beside me supporting me in this calling. As Charlotte said as I mentioned that I would be too tired to go to church during the late hours the night before, she reminded me that what we do is church, being at births for us both. Being with the miracle of birth helps us to see God so clearly each time. Most people will never experience that kind of presence of God. Dallas is my hero!

As the year ended and the new one began, I would not want to miss the hero that really was a wonderful one to bring the new year in beside. We had become the dynamic duo over the last three days. I had been awake for 50 plus hours with only two very short naps, but she although younger and more resilient had had even less rest with so much more responsibility. She had perhaps a few power naps in that time, but if she had gotten to lay down and close her eyes longer than 30 minutes straight in the last three days, I would be surprised. This small, feisty woman manages to support without judgement, offer guidance without manipulation and brings such compassion and love with her every moment. As she offered a final back rub to the mom prior to walking to the surgical suite, I could feel the love exude from her. Her skill as a midwife at such a young age is astonishing. She is my final hero for my list, Anjli Hinman. I feel honored to be her partner in the support of these families. I am so full of emotions as the year ended and was glad to be spending it with her. Anjli is my hero!

The year closes with so much emotion. I wept so many times in the last 24 hours. My skin is quite irrigated as I say when tears keep my face moist! I feel sad that the birth that starts the year was a cesarean but wa with such a powerful team but I feel accomplished as I know we all tried our best. It feels good to be a part of making a huge difference in the Atlanta community. I feel honored to be able to be a part of it. I feel honored to have known the women and families that I have supported this year. I doula'd for 40 families in 2011... my 506th birth began 2012 powerfully. I know I have made a difference this year. But even more these families have made a difference in me- they have changed me forever. These experiences have enriched my life in so many ways. 2011 was the year of more diversity for me than any other. I supported women from so many different paths this year. 2011 was a fabulous year and I look forward to 2012 with great eagerness for more enriching experiences!

The Indigenous Woman

2011-12-05T12:23:00.001-05:00

Indigenous: Native

I often think about things in terms of, "what the indigenous woman do?" This helps me to tap into my intuitive voice. After all, our ancestors can certainly be our guides if we allow this question to come into our minds and guide our hearts.

I was speaking to one of my "other" daughters today... one that did not come from my womb. It helps me to remind her to listen to her intuitive voice by asking her this question. Think about it when you are faced with a decision in the future.

For instance, what position would an intuitive mom get in to birth if she were alone? She would either find a corner where her back was protected from predators, find a safe place and then either squat with her back supported in order to catch or she would kneel and put one foot down on the floor and reach down to bring her baby out. Picture that for a moment and you will see how ridiculous it is to ask a mom to lay on her back to push her baby out.

For instance, it hurts when you put the baby to the breasts. Then re-latch the baby. Don't listen to the lactation person or nurse who tells you it is supposed to hurt. It is not! The indigenous woman would take her baby off and put the baby back on over and over until it was not hurting. And when the baby was starting to fuss, her instinctive guide would be to bring the baby up to the breast and hold the baby, meeting the needs. So the idea of scheduling a baby or not holding the baby when it cries, is so against everything within us.

We need to start listening more to the internal guidance and voice of the women who have come before us- guided us along our life's journey. Tap into that. The way to do that is certainly not to get advice from others- or stop listening to medical guidance. But it does mean listening to the voice that guides you that is already within you as well.

Seek advice and read books but don't mistrust that voice. Don't ask parenting advice from your pediatrician unless you know what kind of parent they are. Their expertise is medical. Don't ask parenting advice from parents with small children. You can commiserate. But ask advice from parents who have grown children you admire. From parents whose children have a great relationship with them. Look at the long term picture.

But when faced with a huge question, remember that indigenous woman who has left her footprints in your life and can guide you!

My 1% of Births

2011-11-30T10:20:00.005-05:00

99% of the babies I have doula'd for have been caught by a doctor or midwife. But 1% have been caught into my hands. The first baby I caught I got in huge trouble at the big hospital in the north of town. It was September 2007- my 366th baby. The mom had been ten centimeters for over an hour but with no urge to push. Our nurse had disappeared and we found out later she was sent home with a migraine but no new nurse arrived. And the doctor later told us he had not interrupted us by visiting since she had a doula, he thought she would prefer it that way. We never knew why he did not come by. The new nurse came in and there was still no urge to push. I reminded the nurse that the mom had not peed in a couple of hours. She suggested a bed pain or a pile of towels- but the mom could not pee. The nurse agreed that getting up to the toilet was probably a good idea. Once on the toilet and emptying her bladder, you can guess what happened. She said she had to push. I yelled to the nurse. She asked if I could see a head- there was no bulging and she told me to move her to the bed. She did not enter the bathroom. The dad and I got the mom off the toilet and then the baby came- into my hands by sheer luck of me being in the right place. The baby had the cord around it's body and thank God he did. Otherwise, I think he would have hit the floor. This slowed his dissent and I caught. But my ring also caught him- and there was a scratch on his head. A different nurse came in with a wheel chair but the mom walked to the bed with me helping her hold the baby up next to her. The nurse with the wheel chair reported that I said, "look what I caught!" as if it were planned. I never said anything like that.

The doctor pulled me out in the hall after coming in to assess and reamed me out. Finger in my face while telling me that never should I had gotten the mom up without a nurse in the room. I listened quietly as he huffed and then I told him there was a nurse. He then said the mom should have been catherized instead. I told him that was not my call. Since the baby had a scratch on his head- they believed that the baby hit the floor no matter what I told them. And they separated the mom and baby and ran tests on the baby. The mother was traumatized by the intervention. And the doctor told her I had put her baby and her at risk. It was about two months before the mom would even talk to me. I was so upset that this was blown out of proportion and I had been treated badly but even worse that this mom was fed lies that were intended to cover the hospital's butt on the mistakes they made. The mom did call me a few months later to tell me she realized I had done nothing wrong. She had put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was the hospital attempting to shift blame.

The second in October 2007- my 368th baby (one month to the day of the first catch!)was in the tub at N Fulton with the nurses in the doorway of the bathroom. The mom's first baby had been caught in the same room- room 1 at that hospital into her husband's hands. She had been 7cm and was getting up to get in the tub, and when her feet hit the floor- she went to complete and the baby crowned with no nurse in the room. I grabbed a towel and switched places with the dad- he had been behind her- and I grabbed my camera and caught his catch on film! The second one, she was in the tub. He was on his way from a job interview. She had been 7cm when she got in the tub and I had warned the nurses of her fast last part of her birth. She was laying in the tub trying to hold this baby in until he got there. But then she moved to a full squat and I knew this baby was here! I pulled the emergency cord and put my hand between her legs and her baby's head filled my hand. The nurses arrived but realized in that tight space if i were to move, she would surely tear- so they told me to continue and in one more push i brought the baby up to her mom. Wow! Dad arrived only moments later!

My third baby was an intentional catch and my 404th baby!. My oldest daughter asked me if I wanted to catch my youngest grand daughter. I jumped at the chance. Even though the midwife seemed to be edging in, I held the space and supported my daughter's perineum and felt her daughter's head filling up my hands. It was amazing being a part of this birth. After her head was born and her shoulders began to emerge, Julie put her hands down and finished the catch as she brought her daughter up to her chest. It definitely created a special bond between me and that little girl! It is a day I will never forget!

My fourth baby was only eight and a half months ago- 472nd baby. A repeat client was in labor. Her husband is the general manager of a local restaurant. He was waiting for his replacement in order to leave the restaurant. I was on the phone with her and it sounded like she was moving fast! I made the suggestion that I head to her house and wait for her husband with her. When I pulled in the driveway, with her on my headset, I could tell she was pushing already. I called the midwife and told her I thought I was going to be catching a baby. Then I called a local home birth midwife (the one who caught my first grandchild), a midwife I have known a long time. I asked if she could come. The mom refused to transport to the closest hospital. I ran through all of her options as her husband arrived. She chose to get in the tub and give birth. He chose to be by her head, and I caught her son within 20 minutes of my arrival. The wonderful midwife arrived within thirty minutes and did the postpartum evaluation. The mom and baby declined going to the hospital and the hospital midwife made a nice home visit the next day. They went to the pediatrician later the next day as well. Wow. What a wonderful birth. But I have to say, as calm as I remain on the outside, all of the what ifs run through my head while my hands are under the water awaiting that baby.

You know a homebirth midwife has oxygen and knows neonatal resuscitation if it is ever needed. She knows how to access and manage bleeding issues. Shoot she knows how to deal with tons of issues. I am a doula. I do not do medical things... which means I don't catch babies! So the little voice in my head has comments like, "what are you doing? you don't catch babies!" "what are you gonna do if there is a problem?" and then the angelic voice says, "babies that come quickly rarely are hung up by anything." "It is gonna be fine." But I will say I pray the whole time that this baby comes out quickly, the mom has no problem and the baby is crying quickly to make me reassured. And that is what happened with baby number 4. But I have to say I began to breathe again when the midwife came into the bathroom that morning!

And my fifth catch- baby #501 was last night. The mom had been to the hospital and was only 3cm- still early labor. She looked like she was moving along. I would have guessed her to be 7cm the way she looked. We stayed two hours and another check showed she had not changed. She weighed all of her options and decided she wanted to do her early labor at home. I offered to go home with them. She declined my coming and her sister and mom as well. I had just walked in the door from returning from the hospital with a container of chili in my hands. I had missed lunch to rush to the hospital before. The phone rang. The dad was calling saying she was second guessing her ability to do this non medicated. She wanted me to come. I told him I would eat my chili quickly and come straight over.

It was rush hour now but I was going against traffic most of the way. It took me about 35 minutes to get there. Once he came down to escort me up, as it is the policy in this high rise condo, it was another five minutes up to the 12th floor. I found the mom on the toilet. She told me she felt the baby was coming. I had left all of my stuff in the car! I thought I would be assessing her demeanor and we would be heading into the hospital. But I washed my hands and after asking her to do an exam on herself to see if she felt the baby's head. She did. I then slid a finger into her and hit a baby's head only a half inch in! I saw the tub was full of water. I told her to move off the toilet and get in the tub. She told me it was too cold- but my hand felt the water and I told her to get in as I added more hot water. I yelled for her husband to come quick. I called her midwife who told me that this was a first time mom and we probably had time to get to the hospital since she could be pushing for an hour.

In my gut I did not think this was true. I told the midwife I was going to have her push twice and see if the baby's head moved and then would either come in or stay. I hung up the phone after asking her to call the midwife who was on call about expecting us. The mom pushed twice and there was a kiwi sized presentation of the baby on the perineum. I knew we were staying. I turned to her husband and gave him some options. She did not want to go to the closest hospital. She did not want to move. She told me later she was relieved to get in the tub and just push her baby out. She got in the tub at 5:58. I had called the midwife at 6pm. I then talked to the midwife on call at 6:07pm and the baby was born at 6:08pm into my hands. We had discussed the dad catching- but squished between the tub and the toilet- I could not really move without compromising her perineum. The wonderful midwife who was headed into the hospital made a pit stop by the condo to assess her and get her ready to head into the hospital. They left a few hours after the birth to head to the hospital.

I remember the dad asking me after the head was out under the water, "you have done this before, right?" and I thought yea, but I am a doula- I don't catch babies! I told him later that when a mom does not want to go to the hospital, I warn the dad that he has to pay me a midwife fee if I catch. I say this of course as a joke, but usually it moves the dad to helping get the mom in the car. But this mom was not moving. As cold as it was last night, I would have hated to have this baby born in the car on the way even to the closest hospital. I think she was not changing at this hospital before because this little boy wanted to be born gently into his mom's arms in the home. The mom got what she had wanted- a gentle, non medicated, non nonintervention water birth... just not exactly the way she had planned!

And I breathed a sigh of relief and continue to believe in the power of women and will continue to trust in birth!

Not Feeling Whole

2011-11-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

Friday morning Dal left for North Carolina. ..without me, I am on call for a mom. Saturday morning Julie and Joe left for Charleston. They will be meeting with her potential surgeons on Monday. Jami is in Athens taking care of the grandchildren left behind by Joe and Julie. I have been eating left overs from Thanksgiving. I have also been productive in making Christmas presents. But I never left the house until this morning to go to church. It was a struggle to go since I awoke not rested at all. I wanted to curl into my pillow and go back to sleep. But I did not.

Today's service was great. It was one in which our congregation participated in sharing who and what we were thankful for. I had a flurry of names I wanted to share. But then it was said we would go up on stage to share them by the microphone. I immediately put my piece of paper down. I was not going up there. I don't know where the insecurity floods in from, but it is there. The first twenty folks who shared were men. In fact only about six women shared in the whole group. But I chose to not share publicly today.

But I immediately thought of Dallas- but we were told not to share about someone in our immediate family- although lots of folks did not follow that guideline. But I thought of Dallas. David had just talked about having been at a wedding the day before and mentioned the vows about sickness and health. I immediately thought about how he had stood by me, supported me and even cared for my wounds for months during my surgeries.

I also thought of Ned. Ned is a blind older man in our congregation. He is almost always positive and encouraging. I love how when I hug him he knows it is me. And he always says, it is good to see me! He is an inspiration to me. No matter the trial, be thankful and positive.

And I thought about Dave. Dave is our preacher. But he is much more than that. He leads by example but he also shows his short falls. He does not feel he has to be some super human preacher to us. He shares his fears and his failures with us. This has made him approachable and genuine to me.

But I rushed out today from service. Usually we are some of the last to leave. But I felt melancholy and emotional today. I think I don't feel quite whole when Dallas is not around. I feel an emptiness. And I think I am emotional because I wish I could be with Julie tomorrow. And I also feel like a bad grandmother since I can not be the one caring for my grandkids while she is away. I just don't feel quite whole today.

I am thankful for those in my life who complete me. And I long for Dallas to return tonight. I love to hear how Julie has ideas for her future journey. I love my job but days like today, just waiting for a mom to go into labor, alone, make it hard. I wish the phone would ring and I was needed to head out to a birth. Not being busy amplifies my loneliness today.

Journeys

2011-11-26T16:24:00.000-05:00

Today begins the next step in my daughter's journey. She had her baseline mammography and ultrasound a few weeks ago. It showed a lump that turned out to be benign. Today she is on the way to Charleston, SC. She will meet on Monday with a group of plastic surgeons who are world renowned for beautiful breast reconstructions.

I am a warrior. I am intuitive and knew it was time that I moved forward to my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction back in 2007, on Julie's birthday. I had my breasts removed that later showed one breast had contained the ticking bomb. Cancer.

Julie is a warrior too. She is learning her intuitive powers but the thing that leads her now is her knowledge of how devastating this disease can be. She heard my stories of my mom's struggles twice with this disease. Her great aunt died from this diesease while I was pregnant with her. She watched my sister struggle the last decade of her life with what began with this disease. She took care of me during my recovery from my surgeries. She understands the journey she must take to create the outcome she desires... living a long life without breast cancer.

She is only four years younger than my mom was when she had to have a radical mastectomy followed by radiation. I was only nine years old- her youngest daughter. Julie's oldest is 8 and a half years old. She will never have to take care of her mom in the way I did, knowing she was fighting to beat this disease. Some do not understand Julie being so proactive. Why doesn't she just wait? Living with the knowledge that you may carry a bomb in your chest that could change your life forever is not something she desires.

I will be walking along side of her for most of this journey. Her husband is with her today - having a fun weekend in Charleston and then going with her to meet with the surgeons. But when it is time for the surgery, I am the designated support. I have walked this path, I can help lead her down it safely. I have felt the anticipation that she will feel. I have felt the pain that is also ahead of her. The emotional and physical pain of loosing your breasts. But I also lead by example that being a survivor, a warrior is much stronger than the fear and the pain.

Julie has always taken the good within me and made it much greater. And I am sure she will be an even stronger warrior than I am. I can help her but she is ready to be that warrior. I look forward to her return and the wealth of information she will bring back home with her regarding the path she is choosing.

November 15th....

2011-11-14T19:59:00.001-05:00

34 years ago I gave birth to my first child. It was a fairly easy birth. I went to bed after a busy nesting day and after painting my toe nails and knew I felt crampy. I was ten days past the due date the doctors had given me. I was only 7 days past the date I had determined. I woke to contractions coming every three minutes.I dressed as fast as I could and we drove the hour to the hospital. I was full dilated when I arrived and pushed out my biggest baby. Julie Ann was born weighing in at 8# 11 ounces and had APGARs of 9 and then 9. It was a beautiful birth. It changed my life forever!

35 years ago my son in law was born. He married my daughter Julie more than a decade ago.. When I was meditating on a safe place recently, I immediately thought of my mom. I was curled up under her arm as a child. I then saw my husband laying spooning next to me. And then Joe came into my mind. I saw him sitting next to me with his arm around me and I was an old woman. I trust this man. I know he loves my daughter and their children. I also know he loves me. He too has changed my life forever!

4 years ago I had my breasts removed and reconstructed. Five days later the pathology report showed cancer had been growing within my right breast that was undetected. So it is my anniversary of being a cancer survivor. Breast cancer changed my life forever!

November 15th is the day my friend will also give birth to her son. It is her third child. She has a beautiful daughter and a son who passed when he was born too early. She has been worried about giving birth to an unhealthy baby again. But despite her worry, she has grown a healthy baby boy. And tomorrow she will give birth to him via a surgical birth. I wish I could be in New York to be with her. I have been with her since the beginning of this pregnancy. And I look forward to the phone call tomorrow letting me know she is snuggling her son into her breasts, smelling his sweet newborn smell, kissing his soft face. It will be a day that will change her life forever!

What I Miss

2011-11-09T09:05:00.000-05:00

This may be too much information for some of you- so continue to read at your own risks of TMI....

As Julie embarks on her journey of her prophylactic mastectomies, I think about what I miss the most about my old breasts. Now keep in mind I do not miss them enough to wish them back... they were bombs laying on my chest according to my surgeon. They carried the threat of my life each year that passed. They were not worth the risk- therefore I had them removed to find out indeed they were carrying a bomb.

But I miss feeling in my breasts. Yes, when you have the mammary tissue removed, the nerves are sacrificed too. You end up with beautiful breasts, at least I did, but they lack any feeling. You have a mound that functions to fill the cups of your bra or the darts in your blouse, but sensation is missing. Some say that it will return over time, others say don't expect it. Four years later, I can tell you I have no feeling. I miss that.

I miss responsive nipples. I had my nipples removed when they did my mastectomy. There is nipple sparing surgeries but since my cancer was found just under my nipple, I am thankful I did not have to return to the OR to remove them later. Studies show that safely removing them and then doing good pathology and returning them to the breasts is very safe. But my husband used to joke when I said I was cold, he would glance to my chest and say let me see. That never will happen again. I have blebs that they made but they are poor excuses for nipples.

It is funny what you take for granted until you are missing them. But I can tell you what I love too. I love putting my head on the pillow at night knowing there is very little chance I will ever have breast cancer again. Yes, there is scarce mammary tissue left behind that could become cancerous again- there is no way to avoid this. But less tissue, less chance! I can tell you that although the surgeon made my new breasts a bit larger than expected, I do like that they are proportional to the rest of my body. And they are made of my tissue- my old belly- so they will change as my body changes. If I loose weight they decrease a bit, and if I gain weight they increase a bit. There is enough scar tissue under them that they will always stay perky... so I am guessing when I am 70 I will see that as a plus as well.

At one time I had considered not being reconstructed. I am glad I did have the reconstruction. I have second thoughts on the method I chose and the surgeon I selected. If I had to do it again, knowing what I know now, I realize I would do a few things differently. But isn't that the truth in life in general, hindsight is always seen as the should've, would've, could've situation.

I had a cast done of my breasts prior to my surgery so I could remember what my body was like before. I am glad I did so. I am thankful for Donna who did this as a gift to me. I also love that she did a cast of my new breasts. The two casts hang on my wall in the bedroom. It is a good reminder of my journey.

So although there are things that I miss, not missing the 87% risk of breast cancer and the risk of having to have chemotherapy, is not something that I miss!

Tough Decisions

2011-11-06T19:32:00.001-05:00

My oldest daughter Julie will be having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction in early 2012. She has the same BRCA 1 gene that I carry. She has done her research and made a decision that will protect her from having breast cancer and thus protect her family from her having to fight to battle this awful disease.

In October we worked side by side in the 3day 60 mile walk for Komen on the Pit 2 Crew. I think Julie really began to understand how many folks walked for their moms who had lost their lives. She has always been proud of my decision to have my bilateral mastectomy in 2007. She took care of me so she understands what is ahead of her. I have not pulled any punches and shared the hard parts about doing this. But I think the 3day made her face the thought that if I had not been proactive, she may be wearing a memory button of me and her children could be doing the same for her.

She has a good insurance plan in place recently and was ready to move ahead. I went with her on the trip for her baseline mammogram and ultrasound. We still have a hurdle to jump with a biopsy being done on Friday. Ironically I had my annual mammogram and there was concern that caused a biopsy to be done on my left breast five months prior to my mastectomies. The lump is in her left breast as well. The doctor did not seem overly concerned but having that biopsy done and the results in hand will make me rest easier.

I had wanted to consider traveling to New Orleans or Charleston for my surgery four years ago. But not being sure how to make that happen with Julie having babies and Dallas needing to work, once I found that I could get a DIEP here locally, the decision was made to stay here.

But now with the complications I have had with my abdominal repairs and having a hole in my abdominal muscle due to those complications I have learned a lot. I may not have been a good candidate for a DIEP since I had some abdominal scarring from my hysterectomy twenty years earlier. It was not something that was discussed with me at all prior to my surgery. And indeed when my surgeon got into the procedure he had to opt to do a free tram on one side and a DIEP only on one side. That was the beginning to my abdominal issues.

Julie is choosing to go out of state to New Orleans where they are so expertly skilled in comparison to anything being done here in Atlanta. They will do a MRI of the area the day before the surgery to find the prefect vessels to use in the transplant and reconstruction area. They have done the procedure she wants more than any other place.

The plan is for her and Joe to go on a consult and check out the facility and discuss her reconstruction options. And then in the spring I will go with her to be with her for her hospital stay and the week following before returning home. She feels good moving forward. I feel anxious only because that is what moms feel! But I feel happy that this decision has been made and she is moving forward to protect her life.

She is in such great shape. I am learning that my BMI did not help me in my recovery process. She has nothing to worry about with that! The information she is receiving is so different from what I knew even four years ago. I am happy she is being so proactive and gathering knowledge before doing this. I am unsure if the things being done now were even known four years ago or if somehow in my information gathering, I just missed it. Either way, it sounds like she will be set up to win in the way she has prepared.

Folks told me that they thought I was brave and strong by doing what I did. Others thought I was being overly active and foolish. When cancer was found in my pathology everyone said that it was good that I was so proactive and intuitive. Folks are telling Julie how smart and strong she is being. Ironically I think she and I both feel we are wise and that the decision is a given considering the risk. Although not an easy decision, it is a life decision. And that makes this not so tough to do.

Pray for our family- the way this will be life changing for Julie and her family. Pray I can be what she needs me to be. Pray to keep us all safe and cancer free! And pray for a cure as this genetic mutation has a 50/50 chance to be passed on to her children. One day at a time...

Lump

2011-11-03T09:19:00.002-04:00

Lump of sugar... sweetens your coffee,

Lump of coal...keeps you warm in the winter.

Lump on the log...need to get your booty moving!

Lump in your breast...stops you cold.

Lump.

Wait, Wait and Decisions

2011-11-01T20:37:00.001-04:00

Today I sat in waiting rooms with women in robes. Some did not let their eyes meet others. They were full of fear and anticipation of news they did not want to hear. Some kept their eyes averted but flipped nervously or bored through magazines. Others sat chatting quietly with their companion. And then there was me. I was looking for anyone to talk to. Anyone who would open up and help me keep my mind off of the day.

The first woman was a mom with twin girls. They were there for ultrasounds. I never heard why but the freshmen young women waited with their mom to get their tests. We chatted about twins and she shared her birth story of the girls. How she gave birth in Germany in a civilian hospital without drugs or interventions. Then there was G, a breast cancer survivor of a year. She was a realtor who used to live in my neck of the woods. She was back after having had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction but had a new lump that needed to be checked. She did not seem to have fear but instead resolution. There was another there for her annual check up but did not seem to have any concerns except that the wait was too long. Then there was the blonde woman on her laptop.

She seemed really sad. As she shared how she had lost a child and a husband and then her dad, her mom was now in stage four with pancreatic cancer. She had a stressful job and shared how she wished she could go work in a flower shop! She has a condition that causes lumps to continually appear and need to be biopsied only to find out that although the cells are unusual, they are not cancer. But she has this strong feeling that she will die from breast cancer. We talked about my story of intuition. We discussed following your gut. Why keep breasts that keep causing you to fear?

She had her mammogram and then was being sent to ultrasound. This is what happens when they see something but sometimes it is just the next step to finding something. But today was full of laughs as well. Talk about tattoos, red bull and fun stuff. Call it comic relief of sorts for me. I kept the rooms lively as I waited to hear my daughter discuss with her surgeon her options for her future.

Inside I wanted to just curl up in the corner and weep. I hate that this awful genetic mutation is part of her life and future. Inside I am proud of her. The women would comment when she left the room on her beauty and how young she is. And when I shared our story, they talked about how brave she is and how brave I am. I need to be what she needs me to be for her right now. But I am unsure how to do that. I want to wrap my arms around her and just cry. But she is strong and resilient and brave. And I admire her and sit in awe.

We spent five hours there today. I know it is only the first of long waits in the offices of doctors as we begin this journey she is going to travel. I will try to be brave with her. Moms always want to make it all better. I hope I can be what she needs me to be.

Feeling Broken

2011-10-30T21:08:00.001-04:00

Today I was chatting with a friend at church. She is fighting cancer. If anyone can kick this disease, she can. She mentioned that she was hurting so badly from one of the drugs that is supposed to counter the effect of her chemo- by building white blood cells in her bones- that for one of the few times she had to ask her husband to help her. I challenged her on allowing her husband to help her more. She was quiet for a moment and I understood why.

When I had an open wound in my belly that had to be packed twice a day, I had my husband do the job. He had not emptied and measured my drains after my bilateral mastectomy. He had not changed my bandages. Julie, my oldest did that and I did that. But although a home health care nurse was supposed to have come to take care of my healing by intention- at least at the beginning, they failed to ever call. I knew it would take months to heal- it actually took five months- so having my husband do it seemed prudent.

But when you ask the man who loves you, kisses you, makes love to you, sees you usually as a strong and resilient woman see you in the most vulnerable way- broken, it is hard. You don't want him to see you that way. When I did feel up to making love, he was afraid of my brokenness. He saw me as weak and fragile. I don't like being seen that way.

It worked not only on my self image, but I even talked the defeatist talk for a while. I would cry when he changed the packing and tell him I wanted to die. That had an impact on him as well. I know he felt overwhelmed by my neediness. It was a hard time.

I did not have to have chemo and the awful stuff that goes with having drugs poison your body. I am thankful for that. But my heart today understood my friends feelings today. I think she was a bit taken back by my understanding of her journey. It is the side of cancer, of disease, we don't discuss.

I had someone share this link today and although it is hard to see, it shows a very poignant view of what it is like to struggle with cancer. The Battle We Didn't Choose

Cancer sucks... feeling sick and broken, often feeling alone, fighting the fear, facing the unknown. I am cancer free today. But when a lymph node appears swollen, I do admit my heart skips a beat. I remember the words from the oncologist- if it comes back it will come back into my bones. I remember that when they took my mammary tissue, there is always some tissue left behind. I see myself as a survivor but I remember the words from my mother- you are not a survivor of breast cancer until you die of something else. She was a survivor.. Her sister and my sister were not. I plan to be a survivor.

2011 The 3Day Breast Cancer Crew Experience

2011-10-24T17:38:00.000-04:00

I could not train and be a part of the walk this year for numerous reasons. But I could not imagine not being a part of this event after having walked three times over the last previous years. So, I signed up for the crew this year. Along with me were my best friend, Pam Roe and my daughters, Julie and Jami.

We signed up for the Lunch Crew. But the week prior we heard that Pit2 needed four more members and lunch was the likely place to get the extras from. Ted our captain of lunch put it out there that if someone would consider the move, please let him know.

At this point we had one less member of our team- Jami had sprained her ankle really badly while at a roller derby bootcamp! So, I contacted Julie and Pam and they agreed to the move. Boy were we blessed in making this move. We joined a small team of 11 wonderful companions. Our captain was Lyle- a 60 mile man- Mr August. He will have crewed in 2011 for four events- and at year end will have participated as a walker or crew member for 21 events! Our team was the Pirates of the Cureibean and we dressed as pirates and I was a wench!

I enjoyed being a part of this crew so much. As a walker, sometimes I feel like I have to push past my pain and keep walking- the alternative of getting on the sweep van did not feel like I failed but I would have no alternative. On crew- I let it be known upfront that I would not be able to lift heavy weights but would give it all I had. And they accepted my inabilities to do all of the work- and instead welcomed what I could do with my limitations.

The first day I woke up at 4:15 to have my husband drive my team to Stone Mountain to get on the van at 5:30am to head to pit 2 to set up. We had to miss opening ceremonies so that the pit was set for the first walker. We were at the Patillo Industrial site in the dark setting up the shelters and getting ready in the very cold damp morning. The temperature was in the high 30's!

After getting the shelters set up, the beverages mixed and the food set out, I took the job of decorating the sidewalk with messages as the walkers arrived to the site. Things like DANGER, HIDE YOUR GOLD, BEWARE PIRATES AHEAD! Then as the walkers arrived I gave out the coveted treasure of stickers to the walkers. I loved doing it but missed the interaction with the walkers since it is a hurried job and ended up being quite faceless in the sense that I did not get to even hardly look or interact with the walkers. But at the end of the pit closing, I felt I had experienced a great day already. We ate lunch and headed to lunch to help them by filling up water bottles- cheering them on- and breaking down boxes. We returned to camp exhausted and set up our tents inside the World Congress Center. Showering in the shower trucks, dinner and bed at 10pm was the ending to Day 1!

The next morning I awoke at 3:48am and got up dressed as a wench once more and had breakfast wtih Julie. We boarded the van and headed in the dark once more to a school to set up in their parking lot. It was very cold again! We set up and then I curled up on a cot for a short nap in the medic tent! A coffee run provided a great latte to warm me up. The New Balance cheerleaders from Northview arrived and after decorating the side walk with a message that the walkers had two choices- shake their booty or hug a pirate, I danced at the end of the "plank" they walked through the cheerleaders and was able to shake my booty with the best of them, cause lots of laughs and smiles and even give out and receive a ton of hugs.

The first day Julie was so busy being a cut up and photo op for the walkers, she failed to see the signs of the walkers who were walking in memory of their moms. As a server of beverages she started to see those signs on day two. I stepped into the shelter to find her in tears. She was hit with the fact that if I had not been proactive I may have lost my life as well. She got it that day. She was fully hit with why this event means so much to me.

I had several moments of loosing it. Thinking about being a nine year old when my mom was first diagnosed... then watching her struggle the second time but remaining a survivor. Being at my aunts funeral after she lost her battle to this disease. Missing my sister who never got to see her children grow up to be parents- only one grandchild was born when she died. Thinking of my niece who feels so alone without her mother. Thinking of others who have battled this disease and the impact it has had on their lives and their families. I held Julie as she cried and I joined her. It made me glad I was proactive. I am glad to be alive!

We left there and went to lunch to eat and then headed to pit 3 to clean up between the pit and the cheering station. We stayed and cheered the last walkers in. It was great. Some folks come to cheer a particular walker on and once they see their walker, they leave. It meant those who remained and were later had no cheering going on. But this day they did- they had the Pirates of Pit2! I have to say this day caused me to miss walking the most! I got to reconnect with a safety cyclist that I had met the first year in the survivor group at closing, Richard. Memories of walking were fabulous!

When we got back to the site to park the van, one of my young team mates who was struggling with a migraine and sore feet- got me to share the golf cart ride back to camp. She was certainly taking care of me! Brittany will forever be a daughter to me from that moment on! Her sister Amanda was just as supportive of me and I know their hearts are some of the best I have ever been around!

The next night was harder to go to sleep. There is a reason they encourage you to bring ear plugs and eye masks. The security light blared more the second night for some reason and the snoring was louder- although I am told I was one of the snorers- I did not snore like the mooing cow snorer- I swear it sounded like a cow mooing! And it was loud- she or he was two tents down but it was roof rocking! I awoke at 4am and headed out again after breakfast.

We were given a choice spot of Piedmont Park right next to the bridge over the lake. It was so beautiful. I was unsure what job I would have this day. I asked Lyle what he wanted me to do after we were set up. He told me to continue the role I had taken on the day before. So, after decorating their entrance path in, I stood watch on the bridge and played wench who scared, brought laughter and danced with the walkers. I think I may have overdone it at this point!

We left there after cleaning up and headed to lunch. Our job there after eating was to clear the park of walkers and get them moving to closing. We arrived at closing and went in as a group after meeting up with my dear husband so he could get our luggage. We had a crew meeting where we were thanked for the volunteer efforts we provided to this walk. Then I left my team member to join the survivors. I get really emotional at this point. Not that I had not already broken down several times already! But I get very introverted and quiet. I stand alone but always happen to talk to a few other survivors.

I get overwhelmed with the volume of survivors. When I walked in 2008, the number of survivors was less than 150... it was a small group. Then the each year it gets larger. I am not sure if that is a good thing- more survivors walking- more women surviving but it is also sad to me that more women have breast cancer and it seems the survivors are getting younger each year. I spoke to a survivor as we waited that was on her first walk as a 10 year survivor- and she was diagnosed at the age of 36. It breaks my heart when I think of this disease- the fact that two of my children are carrying this deadly gene... it is just hard for me to think about it without feeling a heavy heart.

Will I do this again. Yep! We are already looking for folks who will donate air miles for our team of my daughters of Jami and Julie, Pam- can't do this without my best friend, and adding my son and his wife if they are willing to go to Chicago and crew again with Lyle as our team leader again. So, if you are reading this and have some travel miles that you are willing to donate to a good cause- help send us to Chicago next August 10th -12th so we can crew there as a family and continue to make a difference!

Who Are You- Your True Self?

2011-10-03T11:22:00.001-04:00

I had a person tell me recently that she is really shy and when she is with me, I draw too much attention. It makes her uncomfortable. I thought about this statement and asked her if she thought it was my intention to draw attention to myself and she was unsure. I gave this a lot of thought over the last few weeks and even talked to some folks who I feel accept me for who I am, to get their insight.

I live life out loud. I don't really like being a wall flower...never have. I like being the life of the party. One friend told me yesterday that I am flamboyant- but that he loves that about me! I like speaking my mind. I never intend to offend anyone, but sometimes it does take folks by surprise. I like being honest- I call it being dirt honest. I don't usually pull any punches- what you see is what you get!

I like being my true self. My oldest sister a year or so ago asked me when I got so "hippie"? I laughed! She was not a home in my high school years- so perhaps she did not notice the moccasins, jeans that were cut off at the bottom of the bell, the pocket tshirts I wore. She was shocked by my tattoos. You know they have always been there- just under the skin. It is with age and more freedom that I have rubbed deeply and brought them to the surface.

If it is funny that being the life of the party, being the one who lights up a room, being the one who makes others think, being the one who is truthful and honest used to be considered good things... wait- they still are!

If you don't like me- my true self, I am sorry. If you like to live your life wearing grays and blacks and whispering through life- more power to you. I like hot pink and fuchsia and purple! I like zip lining and white water rafting and laughing out loud. That is why I like myself. This is who I am. I am sorry if you are uncomfortable with who I am. I am actually quite comfortable in my skin. I look in the mirror and I see my true self. I would be my best friend!

I am 54 and love being me. I don't have tattoos to draw attention to myself- I have them for me! I love my tattoos- I love looking down and thinking about what each one means- how it came to be- what it represents. I love my best friend having a purple streak in her almost 60 year head of silver hair. I like that she waves her freak flag! It is self expression! I wish my hair was longer so I could do the same!

I think my children have come to expect the unexpected from me and love that about me! My youngest daughter once told me she feels I reinvent myself every few years. I love that! Metamorphosis has always been one of my favorite words!

My husband used to follow what some old friends who are no longer close to me used to say, "That is just Teresa." It was a derogatory and hurtful statement. It tore me down- it did not build me up. But he no longer agrees. He sees me for who I am and without the negativity that others used to bring to it- he sees my bad and my good and loves me for who I am...fully accepting me with unconditional love. Instead now I feel he smiles and says, "That's my Teresa!"

I want to make a shirt- although it would be quite narcissistic to do so- so I won't. It would say, "Oh that is just Teresa!" and the back would list a few the words that those who love me have said about me recently and how I see myself.

Compassionate

Loving

Truthful

Flamboyant

Honest

Imperative

Wise

Crazy

Fun

Spontaneous

Daring

Exciting

Creative

Loyal

Outgoing

Butterflies have always been a symbol I love. But I don't want to be the dull gray ones- sorry- I love the deep and bright colored ones the most! Love me or not- I am gonna stay true to myself- there is not better way to live!

Movie Star? Hardly Think So!

2011-09-10T20:28:00.001-04:00

Okay so back in late June I got a call from a casting director for a movie being shot in Atlanta. Atlanta is becoming the mecca for films! This movie needed a lot of pregnant women and babies. The agent and his assistant came to my house to meet me. I found a lot of flaws in some of the ideas they had and gave them some free consultation! I suggested that they consider a few things and found out later that they took my advice. After several further emails I kindly asked that they consider paying me a consulting fee if I was going to be needed on a regular basis. Chris kindly responded that their consulting money was all gone, but he had appreciated my help thus far. I did not hear anything more. I did know that several of the moms I had shot out an announcement on our facebook page had gone to the casting and several were in the movie as extras!

Fast forward to the second week in September. The film is supposed to finishing filming by month end and is expected to be released in May 2012. The name of the film is the title of an awful pregnancy book- "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." You can read some info on the movies here http://www.movieweb.com/news/what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-confirms-cameron-diaz
and http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1586265/ although the cast characters is not correct- for instance Holly is Elizabeth Banks. But you can get a gist of what the movie is about. Chris Rock, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks and Matthew Morrison are some of the folks in the movie.

So, you would think my involvement stopped there- but alas, Christopher Gray, the casting director thought of me when they needed a panel member for the Children's Expo panel on stage during a presentation. I knew I would enjoy this and agreed although if I had really known it was going to be me being tied up all day, I would have declined since I was officially on call. I thought I would go- be a part of a small scene and be done for the day. I told Christopher that if a mom went into labor during the night before I would be a no show and I carried my stuff with me in case someone went into labor during the shoot. I really thought this was a small bit part and if I had to leave it would be no big deal, but I put Pam on alert in case someone called during the actual shoot.

Little did I know it was going to be more than a little scene. I arrived at 7am- although later I was told someone should have called me to tell me we were starting at 8am instead. I was asked to bring some wardrobe ideas but since I have leg tattoos and an arm tattoo, they told me to being stuff that would conceal the tattoos. Jami had all of my sweaters except my black one and I was told no black tops. So, my options were quite limited. They ended up not liking any of my wardrobe and put me in a blouse and sweater from wardrobe instead. My makeup was done by a makeup guy Duane. I was supposed to have been told to bring my own makeup but no one told me that. So, Duane fixed me up with his bag of tricks instead. It is really quite weird to be made up and then to have him touch me up throughout the day during the shoot.

The part I played was not the normal extra. I was what you call a feature or specialty extra. That means you will share shots directly with a major actor. So the scene starts out with me standing in the middle of the stage and the audience applauding my completion of my speech. But there is no words spoken by me- that would entail big bucks- and using me without any words is cheap. I was paid $125 for a 12+ hour day! I was then seated at a table on the stage of this expo event with another feature extra, Debra Perez on the opposite end of the table and Elizabeth Banks sitting between us. My character is Betty, Debra is Judy and Elizabeth is Holly. Holly then gives a speech with a huge amount of laughs and also some rather abrupt comments. My job is to respond to her comments and there entails the acting I did! But the odds are if this scene is used in the movie, and they suspect it will be since it is quite a funny scene, that I will be in the movie.

Holly does more than 50% of her scene leaning on the end of the table that I am seated at. There were lots of angles by the camera and the scene took more than 8 hours to shoot. There were close ups where I would be in view. So, my debut in a major motion picture should be in the summer. I am unsure if I will be told if the scene makes the movie beforehand. It is unsure if I will have enough air time to actually be in the credits. But if the scene is included, you should see me and it should be more than a glimpse of me as you may have of me in a later scene as Judy and I visit the expo exhibits later when Holly is there.

It was a fun experience. Not one I would necessarily want to do again. I have enjoyed the other productions I have been a part of- a news commentary about cesareans years ago, a PBS special on doulas of which I am the featured doula and then most recently a prime time special on inductions where the 2.5 hours of filmed footage resulted in two sound bites! So, I am not holding my breath to be "discovered!" but do expect if this scene makes the final cut- you will be able to say, "Hey, I know that chick!"

Guest Post: Fitness after Cancer Treatment

2011-08-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

Although many people slow down or even become depressed following cancer treatment, research continues to show that fitness is essential for cancer patients. From physical improvement to a better sense of well-being, the benefits of exercise are numerous. Exercise is even recommended and sometimes prescribed as a complimentary treatment for many different types of cancer including but not limited to lung cancer, bone cancer, breast cancer, and even rare cancers that have a short life expectancy like mesothelioma.

Evidence strongly suggests that exercise can help improve the physical abilities of cancer patients. The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality gives several guidelines on exercise for cancer patients following treatment. Exercise routines should be tailored to each individual patient. Those who exercised prior to treatment, however, need to initially work at a lower intensity. People who were sedentary before treatment should start implementing low-impact exercises, such as stretching or walks, into their routine. Physical therapy can even be done during bed rest.

In addition to helping a person regain strength and fitness, evidence shows that exercise following treatment helps prevent cancer from recurring. Overweight patients have a higher risk of the cancer, regardless of the type of cancer, returning. Survivors of colorectal and breast cancer tend to live longer if they exercise following treatment compared to those who do not.
Fitness following treatment has several other benefits besides prevention of cancer recurrence. Many patients experience fatigue following treatment, which exercise helps prevent. Also, exercise can improve one's mood. Exercise can, therefore, help prevent depression. Exercise also reduces the risk of diabetes and heart disease.

A fitness regimen for cancer patients needs to include aerobic, flexibility and strength training exercises. The type of workouts one does varies with the individual. Generally, flexibility exercises are safe for most patients. Even if a person is not ready for high-impact workouts, he or she can still stretch. Aerobic exercises raise the heart rate. Cancer patients can try brisk walking, swimming and possibly jogging, depending on their energy level. Strength training exercises help build muscle mass, which cancer patients could lose from being sedentary or losing weight. Lifting weights is an example of strength training.

Many doctors still tell patients to take it easy or take it slow following treatment. However, there is overwhelming evidence that activity is essential for cancer patients, even if it is low-impact. No matter what the cancer, it is possible to still stay active and live a better quality of life following cancer treatment.

By: David Haas

Another blog that I found on this subject was http://beatcancerbootcampblog.com/ where David has also been a guest blogger. I do think my training in the 3Day Breast Cancer walk during my healing from cancer was not only cathartic for me emotionally but also helped me to like my scarred body more as it became healthier. Cancer in many ways got me in better shape! Thanks David for reminding us that exercise can have benefits in prevention but also in healing!

Divide and Conquer

2011-08-20T23:17:00.000-04:00

Exodus 17:12 New International Version
When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

We need others to help us when we are weak. The phrase united we stand represents how this is effective in helping us stay on course when we may otherwise fail. Recently at a birth where the physician had already been in once to try to convince the couple that their labor was not on course and they needed a cesarean, the physician returned and upon entering the room asked me to leave.

I had not given any medical advice to this couple, it is outside of my scope of practice to do so. I had not questioned the physician during the previous conversation. The couple was well informed- the partner worked in the medical field in fact. They had taken classes and were well prepared. And their baby was doing fine- there was no distress indicated. But this labor was going very slowly and for whatever reason, this physician felt it was time to be called for failure to progress.

Failure to progress is known as FTP. Often times as a birth professional we call this failure to be patient. Sometimes it is the physician who is impatient, sometimes it is the parents. In this case I know the parents were tired but I think this physician was pushing them in this direction as well.

So why did she ask me to leave? Today in class we discussed- with anonymity of the parents and the physician- in fact they had no idea what hospital this was even occurred. One mom was indignant that as long as the baby was fine the couple should have waited. But I feel when you are not there- it is hard to know what you would do. We discussed options and the class realized there are sometimes very unclear lines drawn in labor. It was asked why she asked me to leave. Was it that the physician did not want me to witness the conversation? Was there manipulation that may occur that was not actual factual information that would be used and perhaps they did not want me to be privy to it?

So why did she ask me to leave? One couple in class said they would have told her I was to stay. I can not speak up for a couple and say, "Hey guys you want me to leave?" when asked my the physician to leave. If they are not going to ask me to stay or tell the physician they want me to stay, I can't stay. I wondered if there was going to be information given, and then they were going to be given some time to discuss it privately. I often step out while a couple discusses things. But this was not this situation. The physician had an agenda, they were going to comply with her advice this time. I was asked to leave so she could conquer them.

I feel like the physician felt that as long as I was in the room, "holding their hands up" supporting them on their original path- offering encouragement to stay strong without words but just by my presence, then this physician had opposition in their compliance. And indeed, I stepped out, they did not protest, the physician talked loudly and sternly to them and then stepped out. The partner came into the hall after a moment alone and said they would agree to the surgical birth.

Was it needed? Perhaps- we will never know. We will never know if a couple of more hours would have produced a baby vaginally. The mother had arbitrarily offered up a three hour wait after the first conversation with the physician. I am unclear as to why she had given herself the time limit. Perhaps in her heart her intuitive voice had come up with that time frame because anything after that would have been a time the baby had gone into distress and she knew instinctively. Perhaps it was a number she had somehow felt was the time crunch she had been led to believe was the time that was the limit. I did not hear the doctor put the time limit on her- she had given it to herself. What if she had said five hours- would that had given her the extra two hours to have had a baby vaginally? Who knows?

What I do know is I hope this couple has no regrets about their birth. I hope this mom feels she gave it her all. I hope this mom feels she was fully supported in her path. But I am feeling a bit sad that the physician felt like she had to divide us to conquer them. I feel sad that the physician felt that my presence instead of being one of full support would somehow undermine her ability to convey her concern and advice without needing to strip them of the emotional support I had been for more than 24 hours at that point. Why was this necessary? I know it made the mom feel bullied. She told me so later. Would they have decided to wait a few more hours or agreed to the surgical birth if I had been in the room? Who knows? Perhaps I would have offered enough support to them to stay on course that they would have waited. I would like to think they would have made an informed, supported decision either way. I would have been there to hold their arms up whether they decided to stay the course or deviate from the original course. That is what a doula does.

I do know that I feel that this physician decided to ask me to leave so things could said that may not have been evidence based but instead fear driven. I do think this physician decided to ask me to leave because the couple who feel more vulnerable and would be more easily manipulated into making the decision that was in the direction the physician wanted. I do not think it was a privacy issue. I do not think it was anything more than an attempt to divide and conquer. And for that reason, it makes me sad.

Bitter Sweet

2011-07-21T22:50:00.000-04:00

Today I was sharing with a young mother who is a doula. She is unfortunately not one of my doulas in my company... not because I would not love for her to be son- but because she likes being a solo doula for now. I told her I was referring some folks to her since we are full for a particular upcoming month. She called me sweet!

I told her I have been known to be sweet! But I am sweet like chocolate. You know when you put that piece of chocolate in your mouth and expect it to be the creamy, sweet, milk chocolate, but instead you bite into the dark, rich chocolate that is a bit bitter but sweetens in your mouth. And you know that the dark chocolate is the best health wise for you?

Yep that is me- a shocking taste- unexpected and dramatic- but oh so good for you! That is the kind of sweet I am! Thanks Que for the conversation today that inspired this thought within me! Makes me smile!

Contempt vs Compassion

2011-07-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

David Mathis preached a sermon today on Contempt. Here is the link if you would like to listen to it- worth doing so! http://cornerstoneduluth.org//sermons/07170211_David%20Mathis.mp3

The sermon was about being in contempt of someone. "Contempt: the attitude or feeling of a person towards a person or thing that he considers worthless or despicable; scorn" He discussed how it is a feeling that we are better than someone else and they are worthless. He shared how Jesus was the person who was not a respecter of persons- how he associated with anyone. He often was known to associate with the tax collectors and prostitutes!

But this also got me thinking about the way we treat others. Do we see others as so different from us that there is judgement about their situation- their lot in life? Do we look at those who are above us economically with disdain and judgement? Are they considered not approachable or not able to be related to? Do we immediately think they don't understand us? Do we see others who are struggling and immediately think it is Karma- that perhaps they did something to make that happen to them?

It was funny when I was diagnosed with cancer, folks started to tell me what I should have done. I should have eaten differently. I should have not ever had an alcoholic drink. I should have stayed thin... you get it. It must have been my fault I got cancer. Well, not exactly. I carry a genetic marker - in other words I was born with this factor!

When poverty strikes someone we want to think they were not wise with their funds. But we read about good people who lost their jobs- and then became homeless. Did they do that? It is easy to think this had to be something they did- no way it could ever happen to us. Right? Wrong!

He is someone's son, perhaps someone's father... He says he has no one.

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. And the old saying,

"don't judge another 'til you have walked in their mocassins"

We all carry our own emotional baggage. We also all carry our genetic makeup! And we really need to become more like Jesus and realize that those who are different from us, perhaps are not so different at all. We could learn from their lives. Stopping and listening to their story may help you in your journey of life.

We tend to look at the outside and forget to even allow the inside to be seen. Sometimes we paint our outsides to look very different from what is going on inside as well. Less judgement and more listening and compassion would serve us all better!

Being Unique

2011-07-14T12:04:00.001-04:00

This was a sample picture with my new laptop. I immediately loved the red stripe in this one tulip. It made me think of me! Unique, different, not like everyone else, surprising, not main stream, out of the box. I hope these words describe me! I would hate to be considered "normal".

I remember when my mom and I would go shopping and the sales lady would say, "Oh, everyone is buying this." My mom would frown and say, "Now that is the way to get her to not like it! And she would then smile at me!" I have been this way all of my life.

I also question most everything. I must have driven my mom crazy with my, "Why?" But it did not end when I was only a child. It has continued to follow me. I like standing on the edge and looking over beyond what most think are within the realm of possibilities!

My favorite words are: Dream, Believe, Expand! I love challenging the way things have always been done. Now don't get me wrong. I am not some inventor or creator of new things to be sold. But I do think I think about things others may consider but then immediately let go of.

But when I am stressed I begin to box myself in. I begin to fear and think the worse fate. Today I saw this tulip and remembered, I am Teresa... the believer, the dreamer the gal who likes to expand outside of the normal thinking! Ahhhh... that feels good to remind myself of that!

Insight

2011-07-07T12:31:00.000-04:00

Insight

From the beginning women have had a "sixth sense"

for finding the true nature of a thing or person.

This quality reminds us that we are connected to a much larger comprehension and

understanding than our own,

These insights, hunches and gut feelings support us in our quest for the truth.

Be open and trusting of your inner sight.If it feels right, it most likely is right.

Look within.

I love this crone card! I do think women have a sense about them internally that men lack. I think there may be various reasons that they do not- perhaps the whole protector aspect- the hunter aspect causes them to be more of the logical thinker. But as a woman, I do think we have the nurturer and instinctive gene in abundance in comparison. But most women are not encouraged to feed this sense. It has been devalued and made to feel unimportant.

The true nature within us wants to guide us. Call this the Holy Spirit if you will or call it our essence. It is within us and wants to protect and guide us.But it can not do so unless we are connected to it. There are ways to become more connected. Mediation, prayer, movement, thinking more deeply and allowing thoughts to emerge from within us, listening to our bodies... these all are ways that I use to get more in touch with my true nature.

We were taught to not go on our hunches- listen to our guts- allow our feelings to guide us. And in the process of looking at the logical and the known, we missed out on the guidance our true essence was trying to do within our lives. It is time to really begin to look within. There is power within. There is truth within. Stop and begin to listen to that guidance.

Immortality

2011-06-08T09:15:00.000-04:00

Immortality

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond's glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn's rain

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do no stand at my grave and cry

I am not there I did not die.

Author Unknown

A few weeks ago was the anniversary of my mom's death and my sister's death. I tried to think of a word that describes how I feel and to be honest the best one is it SUCKS! I know that both of them are in heaven. I have no doubts about where they are. But everyday I think about each of them. I feel their presence often but I miss them so much. Most every day I think about picking up the phone and calling them to chat about an event that is occurring in my life.

I walked the couple of blocks to my mom's grave a few weeks ago and sat on my parent's grave. I felt alone rather than comforted. I thought about some of the wonderful things we did as a family but I also thought of the things I wish we could have done together. Things that you take for granted. Things you think you will have time to share in the future.

Recently I made a bucket list of things I want to do before I die. It makes me think that you need to make a bucket list of things you want to do with special people in your life before they die or before you die. Think about that.

Walking the Labyrinth With My Sister Doulas

2011-06-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

Although the team of doulas that included Guina, Pam and myself is not able to continue as a labor doula team, we continue to be sisters and co teachers during this transition. But the key word here is transition. I do not do well with change. In fact if I could act it out the way I feel, I would be a child having a huge temper tantrum- screaming and kicking my feet. And in some ways as an adult, I still kinda do that at times- not literally but almost! And when the change occurred with my company, I felt like acting the same way. The focus was on me and not on the change that Guina and Pam were feeling too.

I will miss them being doula sisters with me. I will miss our time together for our prenatal day each week. I will miss the texting and phone calls. I will miss learning from them and sharing ideas on a day to day basis. It breaks my heart in so many ways. But today after a week of this soaking in and finally getting over my emphasis on me and my needs and desires, I began to understand that just as I am struggling with the turns and unknown bends of the labyrinth I am walking, they too are walking new paths within their labyrinths.

One thing you have to understand about the work we do as doulas is this is a calling. Those who do this for a short while and walk away understanding the rigor of the work and the reward. But the rigor runs them away despite the reward because it is a job to them, not a calling. Guina fell deeply in love with the work of a doula over seven years ago. Her heart is full of compassion for women in a special way. Having had a cesarean in her past- she has a heart for women whose births have unfolded with difficulty and loves working to change their experience the next time and protecting their first times from trauma. This is what drew her to becoming a childbirth educator as well. For her to not be attending births on a week to week basis, breaks her heart as well. I failed to understand that fully until today.

The person who helped me to see this is my best friend, Pam. She too fell deeply in love with supporting women in their journey to motherhood. She, like Guina had a difficult birth experience that taught her how to help women find their path to healing and change. During this time of change Pam and Guina both have had great compassion for the loss I feel in our team disbanding. And they both love me in spite of my temper tantrums. Pam is often the one who talks me off the cliff when change happens that shakes me to my core. She helped me to see today that she too is hating that she needs to step away as a week to week doula, her calling as well. But I also failed to be fully excited about her pursuing her dream of building a curriculum to pursue her dream of being a parenting educator. This too is her calling.

So, although change makes me want to stomp my feet- cry- scream- focus on me and me alone- and want to curl up in a ball in the corner, I realize change happens. Today I put my hand on my side tattoo- the one that states, "control is merely an illusion, God is in control," I realize change can be good. It can bring about new opportunities. It can foster new ideas and areas of growth.

I know that Guina's classes are going to blossom in ways that perhaps would not have happened when she was splitting her efforts between doula work and teaching. She will be able to focus on the new direction some of her training will take her. I know that Pam's development of curriculum for her parenting course, will be beyond that which I could even comprehend. It is something she is so passionate about there is no doubt in my mind that she will exceed my expectations and more.

Often times I talk about birth professionals who had a huge impact on me that stepped away from being actively involved in the birth world. I talk about what a loss it is for them to not be in the day to day environment of birth. I think Guina and Pam stepping away from the day to day work of doulaing is a great loss. But the impact they will continue to have in the birth and parenting community will continue. It will continue to be changed and improved upon due to the work they will continue to be involved with.

I am moving forward as a labor doula and educator. I am pursing a new certification for Fear to Freedom, a Karen Brody childbirth certification. I am sure there will be lots of opportunity for sharing with my sisters who will only be attending the occasional birth but will stay actively involved in the birth community. I will have to work harder to stay connected since our weekly meetings will not occur, but it will be worth it to make that time happen. Change happens, I need to learn to embrace it more gracefully. I am glad these two sisters set a wonderful example of doing that!

Pruning Does Not Have To Be Painful

2011-05-27T09:52:00.002-04:00

I have a rose bush that was cut from my childhood neighbors' bush.. My mom brought it when she moved to Georgia to live with me. It is the most beautiful red and aromatic rose you would ever smell! It blooms over and over from early spring into the fall. But if I don't cut the old blooms off, it becomes woody and ceases to bloom. I have to remember to go and cut it every few days once it starts blooming. Pruning is necessary for many things to continue to grow. Cutting away old is usually not difficult. I wish the bush would prune itself sometimes when I am really busy!

I had a dream for my company years ago of a few wonderful doulas sharing call and supporting each other. Over the years my company has grown to have as many as a dozen labor doulas and postpartum doulas. I have had to cut away a few doulas during that time that were not good fits for our company for a multiplicity of reasons. And some doulas removed themselves. One wanted to spend more time involved with her children and be a room mom for them. One went back to school to study psychology and work primarily with postpartum depression new moms. Several moved away, out of state and recently we had a second one move out of the country. It happens. It is usually a bitter sweet departure of saying goodbye to a doula sister who has been an integral part of the family.

Seven months ago, in an attempt to help two of the older and very busy doulas in our company- along with me- have a little time off from being on call all of the time- something that is quite rigorous, we formed a group of three within my company called The Ladies of the Labyrinth. We shared call and each of us had ten days to be fully off call each month. It started a bit rocky since one of the team members sustained a concussion just before we began. We did it anyway and just covered things as a team of two for a while. It was not quite the concept we had hoped for, but it was working okay.

The doula who had the concussion tried to tackle a few births and each time walked away with a small set back to her recovery. She recently made the decision that for her full recovery to be possible, she would need to step away from doula work. This not only broke my heart that I would not be doulaing along side of her but it broke my heart for her since she loves this work.

The other doula in our team broke her back in 1985 and although seemingly strong and resilient, with age has taken on more pain after attending long births. She has struggled with this pain and even fallen a few times following a long birth. Her family has encouraged her to make the change from doula work to only teaching and with a new grandchild coming soon, she has also decided to step away.

This drastic pruning of our company is difficult. It reminds me of when my dad would go out and cut back a shrub drastically to the bare branches. I would shake my head in disbelief that the shrub would ever return to its beauty again. But come spring the shrub would sprout forth new life and become beautiful once more,. My dad would remind me that the root structure was strong and resilient and that pruning although drastic would help the shrub be more beautiful.

I have no doubts that in the coming months my company will be strong and beautiful. I know the roots are strong and resilient. Pam and Guina will no longer be part of the team of the Ladies of the Labyrinth doulas- but we will remain the Ladies of the Labyrinth childbirth educators instead. I will return to being on call most of the time. I have done this for over sixteen years and have grown accustomed to the life style of a busy doula. I have two wonderful back up doulas with tons of experience to back me up. I love doula work and will not be leaving it any time in the near future. And I am sure Labor of Love will continue to flourish. The doulas who remain with my company love this work and will continue to do it for many years I am sure. And I am sure I will be adding new doulas along the way that meet the loving hearts and hands standards that we are known for.

What Do I Want?

2011-05-25T15:18:00.000-04:00

A lot of transition is going on in my life lately. And I thought for my own clarity it would be good to state what I want.

I had a bit of a scare with skin cancer- but all showed up benign.. I want to live cancer free for the rest of my life. I need to get back to walking every day- with sun screen on- and use that time to be thankful to God who loves me dearly.

Dallas' company is going through some transitions- I want him to be happy. Yes I would like us to have money to pay the bills we have and have a few fun times outside of work- but mostly I want him to be happy. The squeeze of the downward turn in the economy hurts the little family owned businesses. I try my best to not buy from the big box stores and the big restaurant chains and instead support those cottage industries the best I can. Do you? Sure you can go to the FedEx Kinkos- but my husband offers a much nicer atmosphere and customer service. Think about the family owned businesses when you can first.

I want my children to live near me. Jami is moving to Athens and that means both the girls and their kids will be there. Not bad- not complaining- less than an hour away. But I miss my son and his wife. I wish all my kids were around me or near me.

I love my job. I love doula work. Yea I come back from a long birth and crash but I love it. It feeds my spirit and my heart. I love my doula work.

I love teaching although lately it has been more difficult. Folks are tightening down on what they can spend and unfortunately education is one of the places they cut. I go from an almost overfilled class series to a small series and that makes it difficult. But I love teaching. I feel like I am making a difference!

I think it is important to always recenter in the midst of the storm and think about what feeds your spirit and heart. If it does not feed your spirit and heart then don't do it! I could go get a "real" job and in some ways that would help my family- but my family would suffer because my spirit and heart would suffer.

So if you are a person of prayers- send some up for my family in this transitional time. Jami and Harrison moving out and to Athens. Dallas' company and all the junk that is going on with it right now- and the transition of Jami working there only three days a week. Pray for my company. That as doulas come and go for their own personal reasons that are right for them- that the right ones with the right hearts, eager to do this work, will find their way to my door.

I have so many things to be thankful for that when the flow of life as we know it changes, we need to recenter and refocus on what is most important. Our relationship with God, our family and friends, our hearts and spirits being fed- that is important for sure!

Health

2011-04-28T12:54:00.001-04:00

Health

Wellness begins in the mind.

A strong will can overcome a weak body.

Take care of your body as lovingly as you would a child.

Nourish health on all levels,

mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Balance is the key.

Wow- I do really believe wellness begins in the mind. I have seen friends- Renee, Michelle, Joyce and now Sarah fight cancer that should take them from this earth if you would believe that- but they are fighters! They are stronger than the cancer or their body that is or was diseased. They are much stronger!

After I was diagnosed with cancer, I decided it was time to get my health back. I had been active in approaching the risk of cancer- so my diagnosis was a shock but also affirming to me that I had done the right thing in having a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. But I knew I needed to loose weight and get back in shape now that I was given a second chance for health.

But balance is the key. When I was training for the years of walking in the 3day, I walked obsessively. I choose to not walk the same way now. I will crew the 3day this year- not walk it. I love walking and will do so even though no longer training. But now I walk six miles at most when out for a walk. I try to walk several times a week. It clears my mind and helps to keep me balanced.

I go to yoga once a week or teach a Dancing for Birth class that includes some yoga as well as some cardio! I eat healthier than I have in years. I try to eat regular small meals and avoid fatty and fried foods. But I have a milk shake on a splurge and even had a frosty last night that my hubby brought home to me. For more than a year I would have declined that treat.

Balance- in my mind, body and heart and soul. I feel like I am there. I have learned to love my body just where it is. I have learned to accept the parts of me that are growing older! I have decided to keep challenging the parts of me that can stay young! I am trying to take care of me now in ways that I neglected for several years. Cancer was my catalyst to making the change!

Grace

2011-04-27T18:00:00.001-04:00

Grace

Ask for guidance.

Prayer moves us into a personal connection with the divine.

When we remember to ask we are bathed in grace.

Grace calms us and reassures us.

Painful lessons are essential to our growth.

If you have been experiencing a "dark night of the soul"

remember to ask, listen and receive grace,

the unearned gift.

I recently wrote an article about my regrets with my sister. And some folks reminded me that regrets are something we must forgive ourselves for. And I do not dwell on the mistakes- I can forgive myself too. But when I read this card it made me realize I do love the idea of grace. Grace is when you do not get what you deserve. It is a wonderful gift that is unexpected and unearned.

I think of the relationships that have ceased or failed to flourish over time and the one thing missing was grace. Instead there was assumption and judgment. There was a record keeping of wrongs. Over time those relationships will end because there is no place for grace, forgiveness and love in the world of record keeping of wrongs and judgment.

Grace. When I say it out loud it causes me to smile and kinda sigh. Oh to have someone who puts their arm around you and say or act like they love you in spite of the cruel things you said in error, or the mistake you made or the accident that occurred. They smile and let you know they make mistakes too and they love you in spite of it!

Grace. Calming and reassuring us that we are all human and screw up. But you can not expect to receive grace if you have none to give. Sometimes I think of warm rushing flowing down over me and washing away all the gunk. All of the gross junk just washed away. Clean- refreshed and forgiven.

God does that with us. It is a shame that we think we are above God and can not follow that example. I love going to bed at night in the dark and starting fresh again in the morning. Refreshed and forgiven. And I love just kinda shaking off all the junk I carry around about others and letting it go. Grace.... we could all use more of it and offer more of it for sure!

Friendship

2011-04-27T17:46:00.002-04:00

"Laughing over a cup of tea the world falls away.

A phone call at midnight assured of a kind ear.

Love and trust must hold hands to survive.

Often our family of choice consists of our close friends,

without them our lives would not be complete.

Appreciate companionship.

Nurture it."

It has been said that when you die, if you have a couple of true friends, you have led a special and blessed life. I have a friend who is the first one I think about calling when something bad happens and when something good happens. Now, my husband is really my best of best friends- but I am talking about my best girl friend. I love having a best friend from high school who I still stay in touch with. I love having my oldest daughter as one of my best friends. But having Pam Roe as my best friend over the last few years has been such a blessing. I adore her and know she will be with me through thick and thin. I have had best friends who decided it was too difficult being my friend. They felt I was too much trouble for them. And I have to say, I am a piece of work sometimes for sure! But Pam sees the real me and loves me in spite of my flaws. I love to hang with her. I love to curl up on the sofa next to her and just chat. I have cried with her and laughed with her. She is fabulous. I feel really blessed to have her! My life really feels complete with her in it!

My Regrets With My Sister

2011-04-25T13:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my sister leaving this earth. She struggled with not having a diagnosis of a crippling disease that followed her chemotherapy after having had breast cancer. After several years of becoming more crippled each month, the diagnosis was finally given. Lou Gehrig's disease. This was not the "normal" type but instead a type that comes from having your immune system compromised. Yes, you may have guessed it - her chemotherapy was the culprit. I regret that they did not know about the BRCA gene when she was first diagnosed. I regret that the chemo was probably overkill to the DCIS that she was diagnosed with- but they were reacting to our mom's breast cancers.

I regret that with my job responsibilities I was unable to visit NC to see her more often. I did go up to visit a couple of times a year. And I even went a few times to help her when she was becoming more disabled. I loved that time with her. She loved my cooking and I was able to get her out a bit more to have some fun times shopping and getting her hair cut!

But I have a few huge regrets. I had not seen her for six months when she died. Our last trip she was not wanting to leave the house. We had come with our oldest daughter and her children with plans to enjoy some fourth of July activities- a little mini vacation weekend. We had hoped she would join us. But she declined. Since we had three children under the age of six, staying home with her was not an option we had considered for our weekend. She felt our visit was not spent with enough time with her. This made me sad that she was unable to go with us on some of the things we had planned to do. She had declined quite a bit but was so private it was not something I knew before we came.

In fact on that note, she was so private about her illness, her death was quite a surprise to most who attended her funeral. I had several people tell me they had no idea she was sick at all! I sometimes regret that level of privacy she desired although I respect it. When I would call to ask how she was doing, due to her faith and desire to be healed, she would always tell me she was fine. She veiled her illness from me quite a bit. Her husband out of love and respect for her also did not reveal things she did not want revealed.

I did not know she was on her last weeks until my older sister Margie called me. Don, Debbie's husband had called her when Debbie needed around the clock care. He asked her to come and sit with Debbie each day. Debbie would not allow strangers to come and assist her. Margie only lived an hour away and was the likely candidate to call. I lived six hours away. When Margie called me she told me it was bad but did not know how bad- how fast she would be leaving us.

I called a family friend who is a physician and whose dad had the same disease. He told me to get my plane ticket and go. I regret that I did not leave that next day. Instead I lined up coverage for my clients who were due with my back up doulas and contacted each client with the details of my upcoming trip. The trip to NC was difficult to plan because I was planning it to be a one way ticket- staying for however long she needed me. I thought it would be weeks. So, I lined up my classes to be covered as well. I had a class in a few days- on Saturday... so my ticket was for Saturday afternoon to leave.

I was packed and ready to leave as soon as Dallas got off work we would be heading to the airport. But before I left to teach my class that same morning, the phone rang. It was Don. Debbie had passed gently in the night. I regret not seeing her to say goodbye. I regret not being with her to love up on her. In the last years of her life, her relationship with Margie had had some gaps of contact. I was usually the one who was on the phone with her often. I was the one who helped with her daughter's wedding. But since my last trip when her feelings were hurt- something I did not know for several months actually, it had been more isolating from me. But during this time, her relationship with Margie had healed.

It seems right that since I had been there a few times for several days at a time to help her, it was Margie who ended up being with her in those last days. It was a great time of healing and mending hurts. But it did not seem right as I am the "doula" the one who goes and massages feet, nurtures and takes care of those who need care as my job! But God was in control, not me. I still regret that I did not know she was becoming sicker sooner and that time was of the essence.

I regret that I did not catch that flight that day. My husband convinced me to cancel it and instead leave the next day to travel as a family via car. I had no idea that the family had decided to not prepare Debbie's body to be viewed. But that was her choice. She was clear with Don that she wanted a closed casket. But often times family gets to say their goodbyes. But they had decided to not prepare her body to be viewed. So when I arrived in Durham and wanted to see her, I was told it was not advised. I regret that I could not see her to say goodbye. I regret that I did not get to touch her body and see her one last time.

I have regrets. We all do about different things. I hate she is gone. I hate that she suffered in her last days without me being with her to comfort her. I hate her daughter feels so alone without her. I hate I do not live closer to Heather to comfort her as a mom does in her mother's place. I hate that breast cancer was the initial cause of this death. I hate that I left that last visit without knowing she had hurt feelings. I hate that I did not tell the funeral home I still wanted to see her in spite of her not being embalmed and prepared.

So there- a year later, I spill my heart and my tears. I know it is a healing process. I understand that. Yesterday a little girl, Estelle was born on the anniversary of her death. I was busy supporting this mom through a long labor. But when the room was quiet and dark, tears would well up inside me. I was glad that I was working and not consumed by my grief. I was so happy for this family on the birth of their daughter. I am a nurturer, a care giver, a doula able to be with this woman.

I miss my sister. I wish Margie and I were closer- emotionally and physically. I hope I do not have to add that to my regrets later.

Generations

2011-04-21T13:08:00.002-04:00

Generations
"Sometimes we wonder what legacy we will leave.

What song, joke, advice or story will be passed along.

We can now be of great influence.

Older women have passion, time, guts and experience.

Some say when the grandmothers speak the earth will be healed.

Look seven generations ahead."

Sunday, the 24th of April is the one year anniversary of my sister Debbie's death. Mothers Day will be six years without my mom. I have lost my mother in law as well. Time passes and important people in your life pass on. It is hard to be without my sister and mom. I still have days when I want to call both of them to share something with them. When people die, it is hard to not think of the legacy they left behind and not feel a loss.

My mom- a great cook, a cookbook collector, a master gardener, a trival pursuit eager to learn new things kinda woman, a woman with strong religious convictions, a devoted wife, a loving mom and grandmother and a happy "gg". Often times I do or say something that my children or husband just stop and laugh at and say, "that was Modest!" Yes that was my mom's name! Actually Modest Jewel- we share the same middle name. I see photos of her and see myself in them. Her legacy- makes me smile- her devotion to family is something she has passed on to me I think. Her red roses that are blooming now. Every Pansy I plant I hear her saying, "look at their smiling faces!" When I cook chicken pastry I feel her standing over my shoulder instructing me! Yes she left her legacy for sure!

My sister- a lover of her husband and children, a meticulous dresser, a fashionista, a lover of her dogs, a home decorator, a Duke fan and a deeply religious woman with a great faith. My brother in law, her husband brought some clothes to me recently that were hers. A few items fit me and I wore one of them last week. I could still smell her scent on them. I felt she was embracing me a bit. Telling me I looked good in her duds! Makes me smile. I have a picture of her from her daughter's wedding. I asked the photographer to take it outside under a tree- a non traditional wedding photo. I love it. Yea it was before my weight loss- and I don't like that I am overweight- but I don't really notice that once I look at her smile. I miss her. Her legacy to me is the relationship I have with two of her children. I feel connected to her when I connect with them.

Me, I wonder what legacy I will leave. I hope it is my outside the box thinking- after all I have twelve tattoos - the first when I was 39! My ability to say what I think and my honesty is something I hope I am remembered for. I hope my deep conviction regarding listening to the whispers of God in my intuitive gift that I think He/She gave me is something I will be known for. My love of my husband and children and my devotion to my grandkids I hope will be remembered. My ability to help women find their strength in birth and mothering is a legacy I hope I leave. I kid that the phrase I teach, "Want to keep a hand out of your yoni?, keep your panties on!" in regards to having unnecessary vaginal exam will be on my epitaph! Who knows?

I do not think that young people as a whole today give more credence or power to the words of the grandmothers as this quote states. I do not think I even understood the things I wanted to learn from my mom before she passed. I do think it would do us good to sit at a crone's feet and listen more intently to her words. There is healing in wisdom. I hope as I age my wisdom will grow.

I miss my sister and my mom - I wish I could sit with them now and listen more.

What a Week

2011-03-13T15:31:00.000-04:00

You know how your eyes feel when you have cried way too much? Dry and burning eyes- that describes my eyes. You know what your shoulders feel like when you have been so tense for so long? Tight and sore- that describes my shoulders. You know how your body feels when you have not rested well for days? Fatigue and pain with added weariness- that is how my body feels. But I am sure I have nothing to complain about in comparison.

One of my friends, Margaret slipped last Saturday on a wet step headed out in the dark hours of morning headed into the hospital to a mom in labor. Her husband came to her rescue and helped her into the swing to ice the injury. When he went back into the house and did not return, she hobbled off the swing and back into the house to find him on the floor. Sadly not only had she broken her ankle, but her husband, her beloved Tom had suffered a massive heart attack and had died only moments after being her helper. I can not imagine.

When things like this happen you always think of the hurt your friend must feel. But then it comes around to asking yourself what if this happened to me. My husband of 34 years is only 5 years younger than Tom.I watched Margaret as she sat surrounded by those who loved her and Tom yesterday at the memorial. I watched her as she shared about him and listened to those who offered her words of comfort. My heart breaks for her. This is when I think how thankful I am for my children who would be providing me comfort at this time. Wendy, her neice is her daughter by choice. Wendy on one side and friends on the other comforted Margaret.

I was unsure how I became the facilitator of sorts at the memorial service. Margaret had shared with me what she wanted. She shared how she wanted folks to share about Tom, have Dick share a prayer and then have Sam, my friend sing Tom's song... but I had no idea the folks to share had not been talked to about doing so. But I fell into my natural role of facilitator and helped her make her desires known. It was a beautiful memorial service. Shari, Pam and Dick made the food spread spectacular. The decor all came together to make the pavilion full of picnic tables magically become a warm setting for a special day.

But as I carried food back up to her house, I knew that when the family and friends dissipated, she would be left alone with him. Her kitchen would be empty of Tom's cooking. Her late night conversations to end her day would be falling empty. Her companion to spoon with at night would be gone. It leaves my heart hurting for her. I can not complain about my eyes weary from crying hurting as I know her eyes will be hurting a lot more and a lot longer than mine.

This week I learned of a friend who will be battling a disease that will try to take her life. It has been found suddenly and can just as suddenly take her from us. I heard how she is not ready to announce the diagnosis yet but knew it must be bad if we are working to bring a bed for her downstairs and modify her home for her to be there. I hurt for the pain she feels and the pain that is ahead of her. I hurt for her family who is by her side. I no longer feel compelled to complain about my sore shoulders.

And this week was about births for me too. I received a call from a sister doula that my repeat client was in active labor suddenly. My instincts told me to drive to her home to be with her as we awaited her husband's arrive from work. But as I pulled into the driveway, I heard her body in the final stages of labor. I knew she only had minutes before this baby would be wanting to arrive. After giving her the options, she chose to get into her tub to birth. But wait, there was only me and her husband there. I am a doula, not a midwife.

I had to trust birth. I had to do my best knowing my call to a home birth midwife to head this way was a comfort but I knew this baby would be here before she arrived. This little boy made his way out and into my hands where I passed him to his mom. The dad was comfortable supporting the mom and they were comfortable with me doing the catch. I remained calm as I became the Good Samaritan midwife of sorts. My friend the home birth midwife arrived about ten minutes after the birth to assess the wellbeing of the mom and baby which kept them from having to be transported to the hospital. I stayed several hours after the birth and left the new family snuggling in bed falling in love. I left with an endorphin high that carried me through the rest of the week.

But wait, then the next morning I get a call that things are stirring with another past client. I drove to Athens to find the mom in active labor. We drove together to the hospital where her son eagerly found his way into this world with the guidance of a wonderful midwife and his dad's hands. No wonder my body is tired. But I know that these two moms are more tired than I am for sure!

Death and tragedy, injury and pain, labor and birth... a full week. I was glad to be with these three women this week- although often hard, it was always full of love.

Older and Bolder

2011-03-03T18:39:00.001-05:00

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book, Dangerous Old Women, states that the older women get the bolder they get. I do believe it is true for me. I rarely wonder, "what will people think" as much as I think, "what do I really want to do before I get too old to do it?" I am going zip lining on Sunday with repelling involved too!

And I got my half sleeve tattoo completed yesterday! Yea I am definitely BOLDER as I get older!

My half sleeve is from a poem by Langston Hughes-

“Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly, Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams go, Life is a barren field, Frozen with snow”

The words Hold Fast to Dreams is on the underside of my left arm with the lady of the labyrinth on the inside.

"Our Eccentricities Are Our Gifts"

2011-02-23T12:52:00.000-05:00

Dr.Clarissa Estes asks, "Did you know, you were born as the first, and the last and the best and the only one of your kind, and that eccentricity is the first sign of giftedness? " in her book The Dangerous Old Woman: Myths & Stories of the Wise Woman Archetype.

She challenges us to think about the things that were said about us from the time we were small children and see how they are really gifts to us now as old women. So I started to think about all those things I heard growing up.

you talk too much

you will talk to any body

you take things to personally

you are too emotional

why do you care about stuff you can't change?

you have crazy ideas

you need to have more fear about the things that can hurt you

you give your heart away too quickly

you think about things too deeply

you need to lighten up

you are too liberal

you are a hippie at heart

you are too spontaneous

And you know many of those things have really proven to be my gift now that I am older. I did talk too much for my teachers- but now I am a great communicator. I would talk to any one when I was young, but it has made me open to building unique relationships with a variety of people through out my life. I really have never met a stranger.

I invest myself fully into things that are important to me- emotionally investing and also trying to make a change where I see change is needed. Some of my crazy ideas have led me into things that are so life changing for me.... marrying my husband of 34 years after only knowing him 3 months and starting a company of doulas when groups of doulas were a unknown concept are just two of them. I watch my daughter who is so much like me giving her heart away quickly and it makes me shudder to think of her being hurt but it makes me smile to realize she is just like me in this way.

I do have that unique spontaneity that allows me to be fearless when I need to be, strong when I have to be and help others find their courage along the way. Yes my son in law reminds me as I get more tattoos that I will be the nana known as the one with the tattoos. And I smile and wonder if that is a bad thing... I think not. My uniqueness is the gift of my eccentricities that I hope I pass on to my grandkids! I do think the things that seemed to fall under criticism when I was a non conformist child have been my gifts all along!

Forgiveness

2011-02-17T14:33:00.001-05:00

"When we understand that we have been both victim and

victimizer in the cycle of learning, we realize

that judgement is meaningless.

First learn how to forgive yourself.

Remember, that hopefully everyone is doing the best

they can in the moment.

Let forgiveness free you."

This is a good card for me to draw from my crone deck. Today a few folks have made decisions that really disappointed me. Folks are going to disappoint you. It is inevitable. I sometimes focus on when someone does something that hurts me or is disappointing, on thinking that I would never do the same to them. But I am sure I do. I am sure I disappoint folks. I am sure I am not making everyone happy all of the time. In fact I am sure I am making some folks angry. So yes we are sometime the victim and sometimes the victimizer. And if we are not careful when we forget that, we can become self righteous as well. I can be disappointed- this is a true feeling. I can be sad that someone made a choice that effects me negatively. That is real. But I choose to not let it consume me. I can not own their error as my own. Instead I can decide to forgive it as I hope to be forgiven when I do it unintentionally or even if it is intentionally done to others or from others. Life goes on. And I would rather let it go and be happy than to hold onto it and it make me bitter! This is my life. I can not control all of it- but I can control decisions like forgiveness!

Fire

2011-01-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

Fire

Fire, the origin of the creative force in its purest form represents

purification or "burning away the dross."

The Phoenix was reborn from the ashes.

Honor the creative fire within.

Feed your passions, fan the flames higher.

Even if you are not a pyromaniac, you find yourself drawn to the flame. It is enticing to see it dance with the many colors. We are amazed as it spreads and burns once a flicker then a huge blaze. But when we feel the fire what do we do? Are we the ones who back off from it, afraid of the heat? Or are we then ones who fan the flames within us to see how the fire will dance within us?

"Burning away the dross" is the way the purity of the silver and gold is found. In Malachi 3:3 (The Message Bible) it is written, "He'll be like white-hot fire from the smelter's furnace. He'll be like the strongest lye soap at the laundry. He'll take his place as a refiner of silver, as a cleanser of dirty clothes. He'll scrub the Levite priests clean, refine them like gold and silver, until they're fit for God, fit to present offerings of righteousness. Then, and only then, will Judah and Jerusalem be fit and pleasing to God, as they used to be in the years long ago." Sometimes the idea of our impurities being found and then burned away is scary. What will others think when they see the dross within us- the impurities? What will be left when the dirtiness is washed away? We will be left with something better. Indeed we will! "The Phoenix was reborn from the ashes."

When I share my vunerabilities, my weaknesses, my impurities and get it exposed, I do feel like I am able to have clarity that was previously unrevealed. What is revealed is my creative voice- of which I believe is God's genetic makeup within me."Honor the creative fire within." I like to think that God is smiling down on me when I find that creative fire within me. I think He/She smiles and says, "she got that from me!"

"Feed your passions, fan the flames higher." Bring those powerful, compelling feelings out to help you grow and to help others. Fan each others flames- everyone benefits!

FEAR- how do you face it?

2011-01-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

FEAR

When we are afraid of something we can actually attract it to ourselves.

We can even become what we fear.

How many times have we been frightened of something

only to find that our worries were for naught.

Consider this definition:

FEAR=FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL.

Nothing furthers our souls' growth more than overcoming our fears.

Meet fear with love and trust and it will disappear.

I see women who face their fears regarding birth all the time. And I see women who refuse to either acknowledge their fear or do not want to discuss it at all prior to their births, and then the fear rushes in when their labor begins and paralyzes them! The law of attraction is something we have heard a lot about good things- but I do believe "when we are afraid of something we can actually attract it to ourselves." Sometimes we are afraid but we refuse to say it- or acknowledge it or share it with someone who could help us deal with the fears. And somehow we think that the fear we have will disseminate and not become real but our internal voice is repeating that fear over and over and over and over. We become that which we speak to ourselves about internally.

I think it is healthy to acknowledge and face our fears.Pam England says that the work of pregnancy is to worry so we can get it all out before labor begins. I agree so whole heartedly. I do believe that when we face the fears we think about what we would do in that "worse case scenario." I think it is important to see yourself coping in a positive way in that situation. Last week we had a mom who was becoming more afraid each day that she went over her due date. Although I was not likely to be on call when she gave birth, I called her to chat about her fears. I had her share her top two fears. She told me later, "I could not have done it without the strength and compassion in your encouraging words" All I did was encourage her to look at her fears.

Let's look at what fear actually is. It is usually speculation in the most negative way... without reality even being a part of it often times. "FEAR=FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL." Sometimes it is our intuitive voice guiding us to change some things that need to be changed in order to have a different outcome. We had a mom recently who when she shared the birth experience she desired, we offered some ideas to help her find that kind of birth experience. She felt she was paralyzed and unable to change some things that we suggested. She said, "next birth." And she was so afraid that she entered the hospital way too early. Was so afraid of so many things that she later ended up in the OR having her baby. Now I am unsure if that would not have been the way she would have birthed regardless... but fear was a huge companion during this labor. So sometimes those nagging voices that say, "change this so you can have a different outcome," are voices that are there to guide us. I do know this, if we do not face our fears they do often become reality.

How many times do we make decisions purely based on fear? "Nothing furthers our souls' growth more than overcoming our fears." Sometimes facing our fears means being proactive. For me that is why I had a bilateral mastectomy without the diagnosis of cancer. Some thought I was making a over reactive response. But the voice within me- what I consider to be the whispers of God- told me to do it! And when five days later I was told I had cancer that had not been diagnosed present in my pathology tissue, I knew I had listened well.

I listened and trusted my intuitive spirit. "Meet fear with love and trust and it will disappear." I see women prepare for their births with the trust in their care providers, the knowledge they have regarding birth from the preparation they have completed, with companions who also trust the process have births without fear. Sometimes they may end in the OR as well- but not because of fear in the process.

For me to say I do not have fears would be a lie. I do have fears but I try to face them- I try to address the things I can change to remove those fears. I do not allow it to eat away at me and therefore be more attracted to me. "Meet fear with love and trust and it will disappear."

Endurance

2011-01-11T12:00:00.001-05:00

Endurance

In the "Dictionary of Wisdom?

the word endure comes right

after survive.

Nature's capacity to heal over

time inspires us to be patient.

Just like the lightning

struck branch that blooms

next spring, endurance helps

us bear pain and hardship

with grace.

Endure makes me think of hanging on- of just trying to make it through one more moment of whatever it is that you are going through. It does not bring the thought of enjoying it- dure means hard or severe. So to endure is to hang on during the severe hard times. Survive seems to be what you have done after you have endured.

"Nature's capacity to heal over time inspires us to be patient." When we are in the midst of the storm we can not even comprehend that we will survive. It is taking everything we have to endure it! The moment we are in that storm we are incapable of seeing ourselves surviving past one more minute. And yet we do... and then when we look back on that moment, it does not seem like it was so hard... that big of a deal to have survived. "Just like the lightning struck branch that blooms next spring, endurance helps us bear pain and hardship with grace." We can look back at the storms we endured, seeing ourselves as survivors and also seeing ourselves as stronger because of that storm. We grow strong and more graceful having gone through those storms. They seem to wash away the stuff that does not matter and leaves us with a more real us!

Empowerment

2011-01-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Empowerment

Invest in yourself,

laugh and be light hearted.

Choose to relish your

existence in this singular human body.

Invest in your spirit,

to explore creative expression

which enables deep soulful

connection not only to ourselves,

but to others.

Invest in your soul to accept all

that is to be, open to the vast

possibilities of many destinies.

You have the authority.

Wow, the idea of empowerment is huge! Of course because of the work I do as a doula, I often work to help women find their power. I think of the women who really do invest in their pregnancies usually have the most fulfilling births. Even if they do not have a vaginal, non-medicated birth, they know they did everything they could to make it happen and life offered them something different." Invest in yourself, laugh and be light hearted." I think when we focus on our fears and the negative, we do not allow the joy of the day to be present.

"Choose to relish your existence in this singular human body." It is about choice. You have to choose to relish. It is up to you to do this. No one can do this for you. I love my life! I love my family! I relish my life! Do you? I know there are things that need improvement and would love to change. But at the end of the day I am happy. I know part of this happiness is because I choose happiness. I choose to focus on the good in my life instead of the things that need to be changed. Those changes are not imperative to my happiness.

"Invest in your spirit, to explore creative expression which enables deep soulful connection not only to ourselves, but to others." I think we have usually not allowed ourselves to consider our soul and spirit that speaks to us. We are so analytical or want to base things only on that which we can see, that we do not allow the unseen to guide us. This unseen guidance can come from within and from others. We must stop to listen to it though and quiet ourselves from our day to day busy-ness. But to invest in ourselves takes time and effort. I find that the women in preparation for birth who do not read, do not take classes - and I don't mean the one day class- are the ones making the investment in their spirit. If you don't invest you do not connect. It is just that simple.

"Invest in your soul to accept all that is to be, open to the vast possibilities of many destinies." Acceptance is difficult when we have not done the investment. It is not as difficult when things evolve in a different direction when we know we were fully invested. And what the bonus is is when we are fully invested we discover paths we had no idea were even possible. How exciting is that? And guess what? This investment, this relishing, this acceptance is up to you."You have the authority!"

East

2011-01-11T10:42:00.001-05:00

East

Though we seek the higher view,

we follow no guideposts.

With trust and the innocence of a child,

we continue to free our dreams and prayers

like so many kites into the spring sky.

Yet sometimes in strange places,

the way is marked out for us,

if only we see it.

I think this speaks of the freedom we can have when we just let go- let ourselves not be encumbered by the worries of the day, like a child thinks- in the moment. Our paths are before us, some have already been determined.... so just live! Fly like a kite, allowing the wind to take us up and away! We sometimes fail to continue to dream as we get older. Some of our dreams have been dashed and we think it is not worth the effort to continue to dream. But we need to close our eyes and think about the possibilities in front of us and begin to clear out the doubt and dream again!

The things we fail to do is trust because we are no longer innocent. But when we allow ourselves the chance to do so in our dreams and prayers we will see things that have always been there, but had remained unseen. Will you come dream with me?

Earth

2011-01-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

Earth

In an endless cycle,

the feminine

as ancient

and eternal as nature,

constantly rebirths herself.

Come, into the motion of the

origin of all things.

Come, be rocked and lulled

by the Mother Deep.

Remember to nourish her

as she

nourishes you.

It is funny that somehow we think of God in the masculine and Earth in "the feminine." We call her "Mother Earth." I wonder if that is because she is "constantly rebirthing herself" with the seasons and plants breaking through the ground and then dying back only to come again in the Spring. I think of those things that when they die create rich earth for the next life.

"Remember to nourish her as she nourishes you." This makes me think of Thich Nhat Hanh and what he spoke of when walking," Peace is something we can contemplate every day. Walking meditation is one of the ways to contemplate peace, and today we are going to walk together, generating the energy of peace, solidity, and freedom. I suggest that when you breathe in, you make three steps. Bring your attention to the soles of your feet, and become aware of the contact between your foot and the ground. Bring your attention down from the level of the brain to the soles of your feet. Breathing in, we make three steps, and we may tell ourselves with each step, "I have arrived. I have arrived. I have arrived." And breathing out, we make another three steps, always mindful of the contact between our feet and the ground, and we say, "I'm home. I'm home. I'm home."

I am glad that we are starting to be more conscious of what we are doing to Mother Earth. I am glad I have more recycles each week than I do garbage. I love finding rich mulch in my barrel composter from the gifts I give it each week. I love to garden and see the richness that our earth can give us back. I hope that the "eternal as nature" stays true and we do not destroy her over time.

Dignity

2011-01-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

Dignity

Time helps us to honor the nobility of self.

What we think of ourselves in now

more important than what others think of us.

Celebrate the unique you.

Acknowledge your worthiness.

Those who make you feel

insecure can't do so without your permission.

Respect yourself.

Wow! What a phrase! I love it! It is a shame that we don't embrace this when we are younger! But indeed, "Time helps us to honor the nobility of self." As I am without my mother, I often think of her and how I wish I had taken more advantage of sitting at her feet and listening to the wisdom that only comes from life experience. She was not only a youngest daughter of nine who lived through the depression, a wife married for over 5 decades to the same man, but also a mother of three, an entrepreneurial business owner, a cancer survivor two times and a grandmother... wow there was so much I could have learned from this woman that I did not take the time to learn. And now she is gone. Time was wasted. And I did not consider her noble enough.

I think I do not think of myself as noble either. But I do have to say I think of myself with some level of wisdom. I do not think it is book smarts but instead life smarts. I have lived 53 years of my life so far and have experienced a lot of things that I do think have imparted a level of wisdom within me.

"What we think of ourselves in now more important than what others think of us." I do agree wholehearted with this. If you read my blog, it is a repeated thought for sure. My son in law told me last week that I will be known as the grandmother with the tattoos when I mentioned that I am getting my arm tattooed embellished more next week. I asked him if that was a bad thing. He did not answer. But being fairly conservative I took it as understood that it was. But you know what? It is who I am. I love my tattoos. Who do I need to be pleasing- Joe, my son in law or myself? Well I know my answer! I love my self expression. It is not about getting attention or being a radical- it is about being me! I do, "Celebrate the unique" in me!

In the past I had a hard time with this next part of the phrase, "Acknowledge your worthiness. Those who make you feel insecure can't do so without your permission." I had folks involved in my life who wanted to try to mold me into what they thought I should be. And I tried. I really did. It did not bode well with my soul! The criticalness and feeling like I was under a microscope made me unhappy and did make me feel insecure.But I figured out that I was worth more than that! I needed to embrace who I was freely. I can acknowledge there are things I need to improve on and change, but I do not need to be made to feel unworthy in order for those changes to occur. No one needs that. I think I would be my friend if I were not me. I think I am pretty cool in a lot of ways! Seems so prideful to say that, but that is why most of us feel insecure, cause we can not acknowledge that God may have actually created a cool person within us! There used to be a phrase used often, "God did not make junk!" Yet so many of us act like that is indeed what God did do when we act like we are unworthy of being accepted for who we are.

Celebrate your uniqueness and "Respect yourself." It makes for a much happier life. The happier you are the happier you make others feel!

Creativity

2011-01-08T13:24:00.041-05:00

Creativity

The joy in creativity is in the process not necessarily the product.

Let the divine energy of the universe flow through you.

Make space in your life for expression.

This is the time of life to nurture new visions and skills.

Paint, write, dance, sing or tune your Harley.

Recreate yourself.

Of all of the Crone Cards so far, this is the one that resonates the most with me so far! "The joy in creativity is in the process not necessarily the product." I teach some birth art expression in my childbirth classes. I am amazed at how many folks are nervous about picking up a pastel and putting it on the paper. They are more concerned with the judgment or not doing it perfectly. But the truth is it is not about what comes out on the actual paper- but what comes up in their mind while doing the art. I find it so exhilarating to free that inner self when I am dancing or working on a belly cast or writing in this blog!

I love the phrase, "Let the divine energy of the universe flow through you." I do feel I am having time with God when I write. I feel he/she is working within me and so much of what I feel and think is due to this divine energy within me. I feel that those words in the scriptures that are in my heart influence a lot of my thinking and writing. I also think sometimes new feeling and thoughts come to me when I write and I feel those are from that divine energy that guides me. This is one of the ways I think I meditate and commiserate with God. I once told a guy at church that I feel that God whispers in my ears. He scrunched up his face and made some comment asking if I actually heard his voice. I realized he had no idea what I meant. I feel the urgings and presence of God guiding me often. I do feel his/her nudges and know they did not come from my thoughts but from an unknown source that I recognize as God. Perhaps others don't have this awareness. I don't know- I just know what I feel.

I have always felt creative. I have felt this way since I was young. I remember singing songs I would make up when I would swing in the swing in the back yard. I started taking formal dance lessons when I was six and did so until I was 17. I loved to make up dances, twirling around in the yard in front of my parents who were often my only audience. It made me feel wonderfully made and close to God even then. to, "Make space in your life for expression," resounds with me. I love to see my daughter pull out her camera and capture things I could not even see before she showed me the photo. I love to hear my son talk about his work as an architect and how he sees structures and beauty in things I can only begin to weakly understand. I love it when I read my daughter's writings in her blog and see paintings she has created. I have creative children and I love it. I do feel I nurtured this expression in them from when they were young just as my mother did. I sit in my living room and love to look up and see the painting above my mantle that my mom painted. The creativeness is in our genes for sure. But if we remember that each of us has an avenue of expression within us and our life will expand as we make space for it to flow out of us, it will make our life more full.

My mom did more creative things I think after she was in her golden years than before. "This is the time of life to nurture new visions and skills." I think with age I have become more adventurous. I did not get my first tattoo until I was 39 and seem to have found space on my body for twelve total in this last 14 years! I now teach a Dancing for Birth class, belly cast and write more than I ever did before. I want to take up zip lining, kayaking, more hiking and would love to take a baking/cooking class to enhance my skills in that area. I am eager to learn new things, not take a break as I get older. I love that this is a time I can nurture new visions and skills rather than just grow older!

My youngest daughter gave me a great compliment last year. She told me I was always recreating myself. I love that. The thought of being a phoenix and being re-birthed in new ways all the time is exhilarating to me! I have always personified myself as a butterfly that has morphed from that caterpillar in her cocoon. "Paint, write, dance, sing or tune your Harley. Recreate yourself." Perhaps it will be exhilarating to you too!

Compassion

2011-01-07T13:23:00.001-05:00

Compassion

When we have compassion for ourselves,

empathy flows as if from a wellspring.

The ability to think with our hearts and

feel with our minds allows us to truly walk in another's shoes.

As a wise woman once said,

"We can do no great things,

only small things with great love."*

Give unconditionally.

*Mother Teresa

It is funny when I read this I thought it odd to see it say to "have compassion for ourselves". Usually when you think of having compassion it is for others- not ourselves. But it true that so often we do not take good care of ourselves. Especially women as we tend to be the caregivers of others and rarely accept care for ourselves until it is mandatory. When I had my bilateral mastectomy, I lined up my care givers because I would not be able to lift more than ten pounds and would be restricted in raising my arms for several weeks, besides I was on some heavy narcotics and had drains coming out of several parts of my abdomen and chest! But it was hard and humbling to ask for help.

It is also difficult to forgive ourselves or see the good that is within us sometimes. When I looked at the newest photos that my daughter took over the holidays, I could see every winkle in my face, every flaw in my body! She laughed as I asked if she could air brush some details away. She told me she thought I was beautiful just the way I am! That was humbling. The way she saw me was so different than the way I critically see myself. What kind of example am I setting for her when I do that? I need to be more compassionate with myself in this regard.

But when we do have compassion for ourselves, it makes us much more empathetic when others are in that situation or a similar one. I feel for parents when their children are in the hospital after having a child who had fourteen operations before he was sixteen. I feel for those who are parent-less now that I have lost both of my parents and my mother in law. I understand what a hole it leaves in your heart when a sibling is gone having lost my sister and a brother in law who I loved deeply. I understand when a woman is faced with loosing her breasts and with surgeries that scar her body. I understand when someone plans for events to go a certain way and then life gives you something entirely different. Been there, done that.

It is really difficult to understand some things until you walk in the shoes of that person. And the older you get, the more experiences you have lived through. Living through those experiences can jar you and make you closed and hard or they can soften your hearts to others plights. That is when you have, "The ability to think with our hearts and feel with our minds allows us to truly walk in another's shoes." I do think you can think with your hearts and feel with our minds in situations that we have not personally experienced, but our life long of different experiences that pierce our hearts make us more empathetic to situations we have not experienced.

It is a unique concept to think with our hearts- to be heart led and heart felt is one thing- but to actually let our hearts be our brain for a moment and truly understand things in a deeper way is different. I love Mother Teresa's quote, ""We can do no great things,only small things with great love." It reminds me of John Maxwell's quote, “People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Caring and thinking with our hearts and letting that care affect the way we think about, react and respond to someone's situation is most important.

And the most challenging part of this card was this part, "Give unconditionally." It is hard to give and expect nothing in return. It is hard to not be a keeper of deeds done with an expectation of reciprocation. As moms, we do it for years with a baby and toddler. But then as they get older we expect them to return some of those times of giving with us receiving. But to give unconditionally is challenging. When is the last time you gave and expected nothing in return? It is a challenge we should embrace. The truth is when you do it, you do receive something from doing so. That feeling you get when you do this is amazing! It is true that, "It is better to give than to receive."- Acts 20:35.

Choice

2011-01-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Choice

Free will is a gift.

Entrapment is a state of mind.

One road leads to pain, the other a path of miracles.

Remember that powerful word "NO."

Do what is best for you mentally,

spiritually, emotionally and physically and then

consider the highest good for all.

Welcome the opportunity to choose.

Did you realize you actually do have free will? If you do not know what your options are, you do not find the ability to make a true choice. We can make our own decisions but some decisions will have negative repercussions. We sometimes feel compelled to make decisions based on what may be right for others or seem the decision others want to make for us, but they are not the right ones for us! Sometimes the choices we make and the decisions we feel forced into, are not healthy for us. Unfortunately when we are younger we seem to care more about what others think and how we may come across. When you have some age to you, you seem to care less about the impression others have of you and more about being true to yourself. And that desire to please others over yourself causes you to feel entrapped. It is stifling. And when you rid yourself of that state of mind you find freedom that is so refreshing!

I had a lot of stifling over the years. But if you know me now you realize what you see is what you get. I do not know how to pretend to feel or think differently than what I really feel any more. I am glad to be rid that kind of thinking that really did cause me pain for a long time. No one wants to feel like they are wearing a mask. And no one wants to feel like they are stepping around egg shells all of the time when they are around certain people. Life is too short to keep your feelings drawn down tight and not be yourself. If you can not truly "let your hair down" around those who you especially call friends, then find new friends!

Depression, fatigue, digestion issues, etc... are the results of pain that causes us to feel dead spiritually, emotionally and physically. Our bodies and spirits can only take it so long. You begin to feel choked and not able to breathe. It is awful. Shake it loose. Remove the things in your life that are not beneficial. Strip away the negativity and areas of your life that are causing you feel like someone is sitting on your chest. Say no to the activities and influences that make you feel trapped. It actually is not good for you or for those around you. I personally think that is indeed why God gave us free will!

"Welcome the opportunity to choose." It is your life. Live it feeling free to choose to live it in happiness.

Community

2011-01-05T13:13:00.001-05:00

Community

Such good is gleaned by like minds and interests coming together.

We are our very best when we serve a common cause.

We are inspired and moved by individuals whose interests are similar to ours.

A group manifests a group mind.

Just as "many hands make light work," many minds make for a more creative vision.

Now that we are elders, we relish community more than at any other time in our life.

Whatever your interest, service or spiritual needs, stay connected.

Gather together.

When I think of community, I think first of family. We are trying to plan a family vacation and hope to be able to get us all together for a long weekend of family. I love when we all pull together and share responsibilities- sharing meals- sharing taking care of the kids- sharing ideas of what to do for fun times. "A group manifests a group mind." That is an intimate community for sure!

When I think of community, I think of the 3Day Breast Cancer Walk. "Such good is gleaned by like minds and interests coming together." You can not walk sixty miles over the course of three days by yourself- well maybe some folks can- but I certainly could not. The sense of community- those cheering you on at the cheering station- the staff that make sure you have your needs met- and the folks walking by your side are the catalyst to making it happen. One day I was meeting a client for lunch and I saw a young woman who had on a breast cancer advocacy shirt. I stopped to chat with her. She told me she was training to walk in the walk in a few months and was scared she would not be prepared. I encouraged her. The first day of the walk at our first stop I sat on a hill to eat a snack and she was sitting right next to me! We hugged and I encouraged her and she did so for me as well. There was community the whole weekend with others much like that!

When I think of community, I think of working in the kitchen to feed the crew two weekends over the last few years for the Katrina Relief Crew in Mississippi. "We are our very best when we serve a common cause." I may not have been hammering and cleaning up yards, but I knew my part was important- feeding the workers! Every night when the crew returned I got to hear of the work they did and felt a part of that community!

When I think of community, I think of my church. My husband misses a chunk of service every Sunday to be able to serve on the count team- counting contribution. I work on the benevolence committee which takes much less of a commitment. I have begun to serve on the coffee clean up team and on the usher team recently. My husband and I served in the nursery for more than two decades. The church runs smoothly if everyone works together in that community to serve one another. My church epitomizes that. We do a good job of "whatever your interest, service or spiritual needs, stay connected."

When I think of community, I think of my company of doulas. We are a cohesive group of women who fully support one another and are not competitive or catty as women sometimes can be. We truly want each other to succeed. We enjoy time together. We are open to learning from one another. We truly care when one of our sisters is hurting. We expect a lot from each other and love that we can count on the others when we need it."Just as "many hands make light work", many minds make for a more creative vision." I am proud of the women who give themselves fully to my company.

I think there are several other communities I am a part of... the international connection with doulas and childbirth educators I find online. Facebook is one of my communities. My yoga class gives me a sense of community. I am sure I could name many others. They are each an integral part of who I am and what has helped to mold me.

I love it when I have gathered together with others and formed that sense of community. The older I get the more value I see in this sense of community. And "whatever your interest, service or spiritual needs, stay connected." If you have not found community in your life, find it soon!

Breakthrough

2011-01-02T10:24:00.001-05:00

Breakthrough

Perhaps you are on the brink of a major shift of transformation.

Sometimes we need a breakdown before a breakthrough.

Consider the moment before the birth from a child's point of view:

Darkness, pressure, uncertainty.

Remember, there must be an opening for light to shine through.

Trust in right timing.

Feel calm and safe.

Know that you will be reborn.

Wow, this is a great card for the new year. I think of all of the big transformations in my life and how earth shattering they sometimes seemed at the time.

Dropping out of college since the transfer I decided on required me to live on campus and they did not have housing.... met my husband instead and got married 3 months later!

Finding out I was unable to continue on my education path to pursue my masters due to being pregnant with our first child...the child the doctors told me I could never conceive.

Having our first child and thinking I would be returning to college, but feel so in love with being an attachment parent, that college was something I would never return to.

Having a son who needed multiple surgeries... but finding strengths I never knew I had and learned so much about life along that journey.

Having a second daughter who created an element of fun that I never knew would be awaiting us- but boy did her fun create a lot of challenges later in life!

Leaving the american dream of our home to move across the state into a rental in order to have more time as a family with Dallas not working 60 hours a week.... finding moving back to my home city was short lived but a good move for us in several ways.

Moving to Atlanta for career changes, but finding a renewal in our lives and in my marriage and making the Atlanta metro a home that we never anticipated.

Bringing my parents to live with us, despite another career change, and learning again so much about life by doing so.

Becoming a grandparent and realizing all they say is true about doing so is correct and then some!

Dallas giving up a 20+ career to start his own business. Having two entrepreneurs in one home has been challenging during recessional times but we have hung onto each other through this storm.

Having the BRCA gene, facing the decision to remove my breasts and then finding out I had cancer... but becoming stronger because of it has been a huge challenge.

I wonder what 2011 will bring in challenges but also anticipate some wonderful changes to come!

Autumn

2011-01-01T10:23:00.002-05:00

Autumn

After all of the nurturing, weeding and pruning, we now can reap the harvest of ourselves.

As the vibrance of colors soften, this is a time for readiness and anticipation.

Falling leaves remind us that change is the only constant.

Gather and prepare.

Being with my family this week- my grown children and my grandchildren, caused me to think about the circle of time and change. I can see the "acting up" aspect of my grandchildren that reminds me of when my children were young. The personalities of the children mirror mine when they were that same age. Then I looked at my grown children and felt pride wheal up in me. They have all grown into mature, wonderful adults. After all of the nurturing, weeding and pruning, I am reaping the harvest of my work as a parent. They are vibrant people who offer some wonderful things back to our society. And they are good children to me. They treat their mother with respect and love.

There were times when they were growing up that I wondered if the methods we were practicing to raise them were working. I wondered at one time if I would ever be close to my children as they grew older. I adore my oldest daughter who once was so different from me but now I see the similarities on a regular basis. I adore my son who was once estranged from me. Although he lives in the Midwest and much farther than where I want him to be, when we are together I long for more time. I love our conversations. My youngest has always been the most like me. Her life has been a difficult one, mostly due to her not so great choices along the way, but she has turned that part of her life around. I adore being around her now. She is the one who I anticipate the most changes from over the next few years and I wait in anticipation.

But holidays especially are the times I love to gather them together and enjoy the work of those hard years or being a young parent. And I eagerly anticipate watching their children become even more vibrant as their parents did!

Authenticity

2010-12-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

Authenticity

We are all as unique as our thumb prints.

Believe in your true nature.

Work at breaking down the walls that protect the authentic self.

Trust that the original you was and is perfect.

Know thyself.

For years I worked really hard to please people by trying to be the person they wanted me to be. I was constantly getting "in trouble" for not being what they wanted me to be. I struggled with being someone I was not. I was always unhappy inside. I did not fit the person I was trying to be.

Years later when I was complaining that my oldest daughter was so different from me and hard for me to understand and relate to. A wise friend offered the comment that the world would be really boring if we were all alike. It was if he was giving me permission to be myself.

For years we had a couple we were best friends with. We spent vacations and special times together. But often I felt like I was not meeting their expectation of who they wanted me to be. Finally we decided to just be friends but no longer best friends since the struggle to be what they wanted me to be and the anticipation of not meeting their expectations, was creating too much stress. It was a healthy thing for me to do!

I am able to be my authentic self. I am not perfect but I am the original, honest Teresa. I never want to be rude or harsh, I do not want to be abrupt or unkind.. and so of course I will always continue to learn to temper my personality when it comes to being what I refer to as "dirt honest!" But I am who I am because that is who God made me. My personality is authentic!

I do think as we become crones, we are less pretentious and more "dirt honest!"

Appreciation

2010-12-28T15:31:00.033-05:00

Appreciation

Take a moment to contemplate the gifts in your life.

Even the negatives are positives if the lesson is learned.

Tell someone special how much you love them.

Show appreciation for a person you regard highly.

Let your pets know you treasure them.

What goes around, truly comes around.

When my mom died I was sad that I had not laid down across her bed and watched the Price is Right with her more often. I was sad I had not listened to her stories with more eagerness. I was sad I never took her to Vegas to see Wayne Newton! These things meant so little to me but now I understand what did mean a lot or should have meant more- the time spent together. I had her with me the last decade of her life. I cherish those days together but I regret not making more of them than I did.

When my sister died I was sad that our last visit had not been as joyful. She spent hours playing what I considered to be a silly Facebook game. That is all she wanted to talk about and it made me sad. How hard would it have been for me to show some interest in something that caused her great joy? I regret that I did not sit and chat with her about what she loved more than what I considered important.

I have always been open about telling folks how I feel about them. I cherish many people and I do think I tell them often that I do so. But I want this next year to be a year of doing it even more so. I called my best friend from high school to let her know how much I love getting her cards every holiday. She has been my friend for more than 38 years. I called my sister to wish her a great holiday. I do wish I was able to go see them both more often. I love my friend Pam who has become so beloved over the last few years. She is not only my partner sister doula but my confidant and sounding board. I trust her fully in my life.

I adore my children. They are all quite different. I love my oldest daughter who is a servant among servants. She has such a heart for others. I love my son who is our distance child- he is in St. Louis. But he spends money every year to make our times together happen. I wish he was closer so we could spend time together to share those little things that you can only share when you see each other more often... those mundane things that go unnoticed otherwise. I love my youngest daughter who now lives with us. Her wit and honesty keeps me on point often when I loose focus on what is important! My husband Dallas is the glue that bonds our famly together and he is the pulse of my heart. I could not survive without him.

I love my dogs. The inherited Chance- Jami's dog and our miniature Ruby. The way they snuggle in close and sleep with us each night is fun for me! I love the way Ruby snags our pillows if we get up for a second. I understand the loss of a pet that means so much as we have lost our share of dogs over the past few years. Don't underestimate the companions they can be.

So, as the new year approaches, consider taking the time to connect with someone you often think about but fail to share how you feel. Don't let the day get away from you before you tell someone you love them! Who knows- What goes around, truly comes around, and you may find them sharing with you what you mean to them! And remember...

Everybody needs

Somebody who'll be there

Someone to wipe the tears and make you smile

So if you need someone

That will not judge you when you fall

No matter what you've done

My love will answer when you call

Air

2010-12-27T15:08:00.022-05:00

Air

As the breath of life animates the body, the element of air stimulates the mind. Ideas manifest into reality. Breathe in. Stay curious and interested, study, learn and create.

Knowledge is power.

Open yourself to all that exists.

Let it fill you.

My dad had Alzheimer's. One of the things they say will keep your brain healthy is to keep it active. It is not a coincidence that when my mom died at near the same age as my dad, she was as sharp as they come with her mind. She loved to read. She loved to learn. She was always excited about new things that she uncovered. She had a calendar with a new word each day. She loved reading the Trivial Pursuit cards to glean new little factoids! That was my mom. She and I are enough alike that I find myself doing a bit of the same but not to the same level. I do love reading although I don't find enough time to do it. I do like scouring through articles on the internet to learn new things.

As I get older not only do I find learning new things still exciting but I find myself open to new ideas that I may have been quite closed to before. I am embracing the idea that there is a lot of grey in the world that I used to think was mostly black and white. I now understand that issues are very multi faceted and unclear as to what details are really fully understood often times. So, now I try to approach things with a more open mind, realizing I do not understand a lot I once thought I understood clearly.

As we age, we can either become more closed and uninterested in new points of view or we can open ourselves up to new ideas and knowledge and allow it to fill us. I choose the second way to age! I am breathing that kind of air in deeply.

Action

2010-12-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

Action

Action means now!

That leap of faith into the unknown creates amazing results.

DO IT!

Fear cringes in the face of action.

One simple act can change the world.

Act as if failure is not an option.

If not now, when?

I love this card! I think when you are young you often will do the unknown due to the lack of fear- the feeling of being invincible. Part of that is just youth and the impetuousness of being young and a bit stupid! But when you reach a certain age, it changes. When you have children and added responsibilities you fear loosing all your "stuff" and you act more maturely and with less spontaneity. I think you have also lost and been beat up enough that you are more careful. And then as you reach another milestone of age, that changes again.

As you get older you begin to not care so much about what others think. You begin to realize that there are so many more years you may have- that you are not promised any more. And therefore you are willing to go for the gusto and do things you once were afraid to do. The bucket list is formed and you begin to realize it is now or never!

I think you are also not as scared of failure as it will not affect as much if you do. So you walk to the edge of the cliff and jump off! Failure is not an option if in fact you can make a difference and really cause a change you know will leave an impact. If you do not act now, time may run out and then you will always wonder, "What if..."

I am a woman who embraces change now in ways that I never did before. I do not fear things that I want to try - I wish I was not limited by time and money to do some of the things I want to do. I have my bucket list and my biggest limitation is not fear but the cost of making those things happen! If I could give one piece of advice it would be, "Go for it!" Or as this card says, "DO IT!"

Acceptance

2010-12-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

Acceptance

Sometimes acceptance means accepting the unacceptable with grace.

You are more than your body or mind.

Love yourself completely and unconditionally.

In finding your true self you could just live happily ever after.

Wow this crone card hit it on the nail! The past four years for me have been years of acceptance for sure. Accepting my new body- or should I say my old body with re-purposed parts and some parts that are damaged have been years of acceptance. But I have found that this body still serves me well. I have walked hundreds of miles in training and walking in the 3Day Breast Cancer Walk. I am much more than my body and my mind. I have the ability to look at my scars now and smile. They are part of me. I am stronger than I was before my cancer. I am smiling as I type that! Guess I am living happily ever after! Merry Christmas!

Crone Cards

2010-12-24T19:59:00.000-05:00

My best friend gave me a gift of a deck of cards called "Wisdom of the Crone," from Wise Women Ink. She told me if anyone fully embraced being a crone - enjoyed being one and proud to be one- that it was me! And although some say a crone is a disagreeable, ugly old woman or hag... I consider the proper definition to be one of an older, wiser woman. One definition says crones are older women who are full of wisdom from long experience and have compassion and an open heart. These women do not lose value over time. This value is proportionate to their capacity to learn from their experience, for when we truly learn from experience, our perspective on life deepens and broadens; and our hearts, having known both suffering and forgiveness open in compassion for all of life. And this is the concept of crone I attempt to fully embrace!

So in this deck of 54 cards, I thought I would draw one out each time and share what the card stated as far as wisdom and then share my thought!

"Abundance

As wheat sways in an open field, allow love, strength and goodness to fill you.

In abundance life flows through you, with you and around you.

Wealth is not measured by how much you have but by how little you need.

Be content."

This was the first card in the deck. How appropriate to draw this card on Christmas Eve. This is a time of the year that is usually about giving but it is also a time when folks think a lot about what they want. As I grow older I want less things but crave more experiences. I talk a lot about wishing I could live in the back yard of my daughter in a yurt! My family laughs at this thought as I have a lot of "things" that would not fit in a yurt! But I realize that as much as I love the things I have, I know that the things that are most important could easily fit in the yurt!

Yes I wish my stocking was full of things like a zip line gift certificate or an excursion for kayaking. But it is doubtful that those things are there. And you know it is okay. Tomorrow morning I will wake next to my lover, my husband of almost 34 years. The man who knows my inner weaknesses and my strengths. A man who has loved me through a lot of tough times. I will wake to hear the laughter of my grandson waking to see what Santa has brought him. I will cook cinnamon rolls and my lover will make a pot of coffee. We will curl with our youngest daughter and her son as we discover what Santa brought him.

We will drive to Athens to share in what Santa brought my other grandchildren and have dinner with my oldest daughter's family. I so look forward to that time there. But the big celebration begins on Tuesday when my son and his wife arrive to spend time with us all. We will have us all together on Wednesday for an overflow of love together.

And in abundance life will be flowing through me, with me and around me. My life is full of abundance! And I will be content!

I Love to Banter

2010-12-14T23:36:00.000-05:00

I love to banter- to have an open dialog of differing opinions. I like heated discussions that are full of passion and reasonings as to why the person thinks they are right. I have always loved this from the moment I understood debate and how interchange of ideas strengthens everyone who is involved. Respect is certainly needed but vigor is also equally important! This country was built on free speech but more than that I think it has become better because of it!

There are few things I do not have an opinion about but I am not so unreasonable that I can not be persuaded by a good argument for or from the opposing side! Indeed it has opened my eyes to some new ideas and possibilities along the way. I love learning new things and hearing new ideas. I especially like hearing ideas when someone feels strongly about what they are sharing.

I have been known to step up on a soap box once or twice! :) I love a good soapbox! Censorship causes us to stifle in our ideas and stifle our growth. When we are more concerned about feelings than knowledge it causes us to keep things drawn inward instead of expanding out with new concepts! When we are scared about what others think, it causes us to disable our brains and concepts that were wanting to burst out hide instead.And it impedes everyone's growth when that happens.

I love my son and the way he thinks outside the box. He is creative and smart. He makes me think about things differently every time I have a conversation with him. I love my daughter Jami who has never allowed herself to be boxed in in any of her thinking. She explodes with new ideas all of the time. Julie is like her dad; much more reserved. But she has an artistic eye that is incredible. She sees things more clearly than I do often because I am so outside the box that I overlook what is in it!

I tend to stir things up with my thoughts and words sometimes. It is never my intention to hurt anyone or cause harm. But I do it unintentionally none the less. I like sharing my opinion. I love blogging about my opinion. I love offering my opinion. I don't really care if you accept it. It does not really hurt my feelings if you disagree. In fact I like the idea of making you think about something you may not have given much thought to. And if I did that- I smile and feel good. I do like it when I win you over to my thinking, but it is not necessary for me to feel good.

Opinions are just that. You can have yours and I can have mine and we can still walk away friends. Wouldn't this world be just awfully boring if we all thought the same way about the same things? I do love to banter!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T15:18:00.000-05:00

Courtney, my daughter in law, after 3 consecutive Thanksgivings of me having surgery near this holiday, asked my son if I have surgery every Turkey day! I had my bilateral mastectomy on November 15, 2007. Then I had more surgery in the Spring and had another surgery just before Thanksgiving 2008. Then again in November 2009 I had another surgery! So I think the thing I am most thankful for this year is no surgeries! It has been over a year since I was in the operating room being cut on!

I feel healthy and strong. I walked over 600 miles this year. I walked in my 3rd 3Day for Breast Cancer. I am entering my fourth year of being Cancer Free! I like the sounds of that better than I have completed my third year of being cancer free! It has been a good year!

Thanksgiving time is a great time to reflect on blessings. I feel I have been truly blessed in so many ways! Thanks for being a part of it!

Jon Augustine Boosts My Faith

2010-11-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

Today John Augustine came and performed for our church service. It was fabulous and so inspirational! The things in quotes were either his words or as close to his words as I could type as he shared and sang today. He has a new CD that will be out in early 2011 and it will be on my wish list immediately! Here is a youtube of one of his songs from his last album Encourage My Soul

“If the mountains fall and my feet feel the fire, will I still say amen?” It is not easier for me to pray when times are going good. I know folks seem to say that it is easy to be close to God when times are good- but personally I feel closer to God when I have fallen down and then find my way back to God on my knees. The past 5 years have been hard years in so many ways. Don’t get me wrong- the past 5 years have brought me a ton of blessings as well- but death, disease, financial hard times with my husband’s business during this economy… there have been some hard days and weeks that have blown by me and shaken me more than once. But this phrase in this song made me think- yea the mountains have fallen and there have been times when my feet were held to the flames and I still managed to say AMEN. Sometimes it was when the storm finally passed, and sometimes in the midst of the storm. But the lyrics to this song certainly resonated!

In fact when this song was being sung, I turned to my husband and said, “Put one foot of faith in front of the other.” He has been going through a tough year- wait, who am I kidding- it has been a tough two years for him. Retail cottage industries have taken a huge hit in the midst of our economic crisis. And his business takes a hit for sure when the big boys like Kinkos and even Office Depot get into the shipping business after already being in the print business. I do encourage everyone who can to support the little businesses in your community rather than the big mega companies. There are families who depend on you doing so- mine included. Dallas had tears running down his face several times during the service today. He wants to be the strong man of faith and all I can do is pray and encourage him to be so. We have watched others in their own businesses fall to the crunch of this depression and we so hope to weather the storm in front of us and not fall prey to these hard times. Jon’s songs encouraged us today!

And then the older hymn was sung and we sang, “Louder still and louder, praise the precious blood,” we have to recognize that indeed we have a great relationship with God who stands with us- beside us and behind us and even more so in front of us protecting us. It may not be the way we want or even expect, but we are confident He is there with us.

And then the words, “You are worthy of all praise,” reminded me of the conversation I had once more with Dallas this past week. We have a great God, a great relationship with each other, our families and friends, and even our health… so that is what we have to focus on foremost during hard times. It is what has gotten us through other tough times- it will do it again I am sure!

Jon then shared the scripture in James 4:7, “Resist the devil and he will flee.” And he made the comment that God does not expect me to be superwoman (man). but smart woman (man). With the lyrics of the next song he sang, “If you hear the devil knockin’ on your door, tell him ain't nobody home. I don't live there no more!” And I thought about the way Satan is trying to mess with us right now. He is trying to overtake this holiday time with frets and worries and I will not accept that conversation going on in my head. He has sent a lot of conversations in the past that I was able to struggle through and ignore and I will struggle but overcome these negative words that try to invoke fear in me once more!

More words came from Jon like, “I'm not afraid of the scars I bear...I am in my Father’s care… When the road gets shadowed and I don't know what to do, I am gonna walk right through, not because of me, but because of you.” And it gave me more courage to keep walking through the fire that we are in the midst of and even the fires that may lay before us- I can do this cause I am not alone!

Jon shared about something that has been resonating with me for a long time. I have tattooed on my side the phrase, “Control is merely an illusion, God is in control.” This phrase had helped me through my bilateral mastectomy and the plethora of healing from the subsequent 3 surgeries that did not bring the results I had planned or hoped for. Jon shared how “God has written the story and we don't know what is written on the next page...the prescription he writes for our ailments are different from the ones we expect. That God has a bigger story. We have to trust in the story. When we feel small and feel the need to be rescued, when thorns have been put in our bed while we were sleeping, and the pages of the story we have written have been ripped out, God is rewriting the story. While I was dreaming, new thoughts were put in my head. When things seem wasted and I start counting scars, he shows me a completeness I would have never known.” And this is where my tears began to flow. I thought of my physical body with the scars and my emotional scars and even my spiritual scars and the tears showed the pain that is still there. Jon talked about how we want to be “holding on and letting go” at the same time and how we begin to be caught in between. And then the words, “Inside His story He holds me like a savior...it is his story, “ and I felt a peace about being reminded once more it is not up to me- not something I have to control- but letting go is sometimes harder than trying to control things.

Jon finished with a song that’s lyrics said, “Oh how He loves us so. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us.” And I thought we can always say, I wish I had done this or seen this before or said this… but in the end, it is about us being held in the arms of a God who really does love us beyond anything we can imagine and that is enough. The first song today was, “How great is our God.” It is an appropriate way to end this blog article. He really is incredibly great!

Lineage, Ancestry

2010-10-31T14:25:00.003-04:00

When I did my Dancing for Birth training one of the exercises is to share your lineage. I did some research and found these names as women who have gone before me in my ancestry.

On my dad's side of the family- ironically most of the time when women share lineage they share from the maternal side- but I will start with my dad's side first.

My great-great-grandmother's name was Margaret Eliza Berryman (b June 30, 1852) who married Kenneth Henderson Worthy. My great-grandmother's name was Annis Spencer who married Stephen Berryman Worthy (b. 23 Aug 1857, d. 1934). My grandmother's name was Ruby Lee Hamilton (April 13 1907 - June 25 1987) who married James Henry Worthy (November 10, 1891 - November 16, 1956 ) who were the parents of my dad John Henry Worthy (December 24, 1924- December 11, 2003).

My great-great-grandmother's name was Judith Beasley who married Ashley Blackman.
Their son Joshua Blackman (born about 1849. He died in 1938) was married to my great-grandmother Phereby Ellender Lee (born about 1853. She died on April 29, 1933)- her mother was Kitsey who married William Lee (who was supposed to be from the lineage of Robert E Lee).
My grandmother was Garlie V.Allen who married Linzie Blackman (September 13, 1878) who were the parents of my mom Modest Jewel Blackman (February 8, 1929- May 16, 2005) .

So, following the tradition of only acknowledging my maternal side in class in this exercise I would say: "I am Teresa, the great-great-granddaughter of Judith and Kitsey, the great-granddaughter of Phereby, the granddaughter of Garlie, the daughter of Modest, the mother of Julie, John Brok and Jami, the grandmother to Johnny H, Savannah, Jackson and Scarlett.

I found it quite interesting to trace my family tree. There are some really cool names I would love to see continued in our family somehow... guess it will have to be great grandchildren's names! I love Eliza, Annis, Kitsey, Judith and Phereby!

Well I Survived!

2010-10-25T18:25:00.001-04:00

I completed all but about six miles of the 60 mile 3day Breast Cancer Walk this year. My heart and soul was fully there but I have to say my body was just not fully ready for all those hills! The weather was perfect! Well it was hot but hey so much better than cold and wet like the last two years. I felt 95% foot wise when I began but the first day the last 3.8 miles uphill on slanted pavement into camp was horrible and caused my Peroneus longus muscle to be injured. And that meant that the rest of the walk was mostly in pain after the first ten miles each day. It was the first time in my three years of walking that I did not want to sign up for next year after the first day. And that breaks my heart- that makes tears run down my face as I type this. I somehow thought I was gonna be able to walk this walk for the next decade. But the reality is this was my last walk. My body is just not cooperating with me.

Today Guina, a great friend paid for me to meet her at JeJu Spa. And she reminded me that my body has undergone a lot over the last four years. Yes it will be four years this November since I could call myself a Breast Cancer Survivor. (I am actually a 3 year survivor but I begin my fourth year this November.)And that caused a chain reaction of a lot of things- some good- some not so good. But I digress... the truth is the walk takes a lot out of my body and I just can't do this to my body again I am afraid.

The walk is emotional- it is a time to celebrate and tell my story and a time to grieve. This year was especially hard since my sister died this year of complications related to her breast cancer. I thought about her often as I trudged up one more hill. I thought about how she would have loved to be walking next to me, strong legs moving her along. And I would fight back the tears.

The first day no one I knew was at the cheering stations- barring Guina who made a point of cheering me on at the start when she dropped her friend off for the walk. I did not know how special it was to have those faces cheering you on until there was no one there on Friday. I got spoiled last year. But I don't share this to make anyone feel bad- only to let you know how important it is... really important.

The second and third day there was a plethora of friends and family at most cheering stations. There was a time when I wanted to quit and be swept but then I realized they would sweep me to the next pit and I would miss a cheering station. And this station had four friend waiting for me. There was no way I was gonna get on the bus! And then another friend- a past team mate cheered me on along the road- fun finding her there to support me!

The strangers at the cheering stations were great too! But finding those who tell you personally how encouraged they are by you walking and those you love and walk for- means even more. So, if you have friends or family walking- please consider being at a cheering station. Three things that I loved getting this year- a cold diet coke, a wet wipe to wipe my face and a trash bag to empty my garbage out of my bag.

As I cried at dinner after the second day- with my family, about not feeling like I could do this again. They softened the emotional blow by telling me they wanted me to put together a crew team that included them. That too makes tears run down my face that they want to do this with me. They can not commit to walking due to their personal commitments- but they will commit to three kick butt days by my side. I love my children and their hearts. Julie even thinks Brok will want to come and commit to working with us. But those spots go quick- so my guess is we need to commit this month!

My teammates each year are incredible. The first year was a young woman, Stephanie, that I had known since she was a child. There was also a new friend, Deb and my best friend, Pam. The second year my teammates were Sunny who I had known for a decade and a newer friend, Donna Lee. And this year I walked with two women who had become my friends through the work I do as a doula. They were my students and my doula clients. But more than that they have been women who invited me to be a part of my life and took on my cause along the way. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of teammates each year. They have been exactly what I needed each year.

I so appreciate the ones who helped make this happen- not only this year but every year. I will still need to raise money next year- so don't put your pocketbooks away too fast! Teresa still needs to work to find a cure- my children and grandchildren need it!

Come Support the 3Day Walkers!

2010-10-15T11:54:00.000-04:00

I would love your support and encouragement. Walking 20 miles a day is tough! It means so much for us to be able to see folks along the way that we know loves us and cares about what we are doing!
I am the captain of a small team - Labor of Love Tata Fairies.

Two previous clients- Rebecca Mariolis and Lindsay Tucker (a doula in training also), with Alicia Pillsbury (on the Tutus for Tatas team) and myself are a part of this life changing event. Rebecca and Lindsay are first timers to the walk. This is my third year walking as a breast cancer survivor and Alicia has been a professional 3Day walker for several years! Rebecca is still in need of funds in order to walk- but we are all in need of cheering on and support during the walk.
So, feel free to come out to see us! Feel free to send us a letter of encouragement that we can pick up during the event! Feel free to come celebrate with us on Sunday when it is over! We would love your support!

Before the EventGetting ready for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure™ is a big job. Here are some ways to support your participant before the big day arrives.

Write a letter expressing your love and support to your walker, which we’ll deliver to him/her on the event.
Send letters to:
3-Day for the Cure
ATTN: INSERT NAME OF PARTICIPANT
12195 Highway 92, Suite 114-392
Woodstock, GA 30188

Envelopes only, please. No boxes or large packages. Mail must be postmarked no later than October 12 in order to ensure delivery at the Komen 3-Day for the Cure Camp Post Office. Please note: This address is not the actual location of camp, but a PO Box for mail delivery only. Any mail that is not postmarked by the date above or retrieved by the participant by November 7 will be destroyed.
Organize a group to host your very own private cheering station. (Contact mhowell@event360.com for more information.)
Organize a group of Camp Angels to assist participants with setting up and striking tents and unloading gear. (Contact lriordan@event360.com for more information.)
Help raise money. Ask your participant how you can get involved in her/his fundraising plan.
Join your participant on a training walk.

Opening CeremonyThe Komen 3-Day for the Cure begins early Friday morning with the Opening Ceremony. When you arrive, take a moment to write the names of the people in your life who have lost their lives to breast cancer on the white ribbons we will provide. Those ribbons will be used to create a special memorial flag that will be raised during the ceremony.

This celebration is not just for participants. Friends and family are highly encouraged to attend, though please note that seating will not be available, so if you are unable to stand for 30-60 minutes, you may want to bring a folding chair. Please allow extra travel time due to expected traffic congestion at the site.

After the Opening Ceremony is over, participants will begin walking the 60-mile route and start a journey of a lifetime. It will be even more special if you are there to help send them off with smiles and encouragement. We'll also have the Shop3Day.com™ store on site if you'd like to purchase a souvenir for yourself or your participant.

Friday, October 22

Lake Lanier Islands
7000 Holiday Road
Buford, GA 30518

Schedule for the Day:
5:00 a.m. - Crew members should arrive.
6:00 a.m. - 6:30 a.m. - Walkers should arrive.
7:30 a.m. - Opening Ceremony begins with community stretching.

Directions:
From the South – Take I-85 North to I-985 North to Exit 8 (Friendship Rd.). Turn left on to Friendship Rd. Friendship Rd. will turn into Holiday Rd and will dead end into the gates of Lake Lanier Islands Resort. Continue straight into resort past gates and follow signs.

From the North – Take I-85 South to Exit 115 A/B (GA-20 / Buford Dr.) towards GA-20. Turn right onto I-985 North to Exit 8 (Friendship Rd.). Turn left on Friendship Rd. Friendship Rd. will turn into Holiday Rd and will dead end into the gates of Lake Lanier Islands Resort. Continue straight into resort past gates and follow signs.

From GA 400 – From either direction, take exit 14 (GA-20) and travel east on GA-20. Travel 10 miles to Peachtree Industrial Blvd. and turn left. Follow Peachtree Industrial Blvd. for 5 miles and turn left onto Friendship Rd. Friendship Rd. will turn into Holiday Rd and will dead end into the gates of Lake Lanier Islands Resort. Continue straight into resort past gates and follow signs.

Note: Traffic into the Opening Ceremony may be congested. Please carpool if at all possible.

Cheering StationsPublic cheering stations are a great way to show your support along the route to encourage
walkers and let them know that you are with them every step of the way. Seeing familiar faces cheering them on can provide that extra burst of energy that gets them to take that next step or go the next mile. Create banners, hold up signs, bring some music and make some noise - anything to make them smile, get energized and keep walking.

Friday, October 22

8:45 a.m. - 10:45 a.m.
89 Main St.
Buford, GA 30518

12:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
Suwanee Station
Station Center Blvd.
Suwanee, GA 30024

Saturday, October 23
9:15 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
Oreck Vacuums Store and Plaza
5005 Peachtree Pkwy.
Norcross, GA 30092

11:30 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Duluth Monarch School
3057 Main St.
Duluth, GA 30096

Sunday, October 24

7:45 a.m. - 9:30 a.m.
Lowes
4950 Peachtree Industrial Blvd.
Chamblee, GA 30341

10:45 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.
Atlantic Station - along 17th St.
171 17th St.
Atlanta, GA 30363

On some portions of the route you may find some areas that are deemed “quiet zones” which will be indicated by signage on the route. Please assist us in respecting our neighborhoods and communities during this time

CampOur campsite is meant to be a special place for your participants to relax, reflect and bond with the 3-Day for the Cure community. To help us maintain a safe, secure and organized campsite for your loved ones, we ask that you respect our “no visitors” policy. Also, if you wish to call your walker or crew member on their cell phone, please do not call after 9:00 p.m. “lights out,” when camp is a quiet zone.

While at Home
Capture the 3-Day for the Cure in the news: While walkers are taking steps to end breast cancer, save any media coverage of the 3-Day for the Cure. Aside from being a nice addition to your participant's 3-Day for the Cure memorabilia, it will show his/her impact on the community.

Engage the kids in the cause: Since holding down the fort may include taking care of the kids, you can make this time meaningful by connecting them with the breast cancer cause.

Have them create signs or decorations if they are able to go to a cheering station.
Have them create a welcome home banner.
Give them journals so they can write or draw what they’ve been doing for three days.
Have them plan a welcome home meal or put together a care package with goodies, movies, comfy slippers, etc.
Use this as an opportunity to talk to your kids about community, helping others and making a difference in the world.

Closing Ceremony
After three days and 60 miles, participants will take a final and incredibly emotional victory walk into the Closing Ceremony. Friends, family and supporters should arrive at the Closing Ceremony site at least one hour early to get the best view of the program. We encourage you to carpool or take public transportation. Not only is it better for the planet, but it will help lessen traffic congestion for everyone.

All walkers and crew members should remain in the Participant Holding Area where they will receive a victory shirt, cheer on fellow walkers and crew members and celebrate one last time together before their dramatic victory walk. The Participant Holding Area is CLOSED to spectators. If you wish to meet with a participant before the Ceremony begins, please have them meet you at the Closing Ceremony site. All participants must return to the Holding Area no later than 5:00 p.m. in order to join the victory walk.

Don't forget to continue the spirit of kindness we'll be building on the 3-Day for the Cure throughout and beyond the Closing Ceremony!

Sunday, October 24
5:30 p.m.

The 3day Walk

2010-08-14T19:53:00.000-04:00

There are a two things that are difficult about walking in the 3day breast cancer walk... but they are different than you may think...time and money.

It is hard training for the 3 day. I was supposed to walk 24 miles last week but only got in 8 miles. This week was 20 miles and i will have gotten in 15 and next week is 30 and I have no idea how that will happen with my current calendar schedule! But the hardest part of training is not the actual training but it is finding the time to be on the road! This is not running- so each mile takes on average 18 minutes- so if I need to walk 6 miles I need to have 2 hours to walk- plus getting ready- and stretching afterwards. It is time consuming.
It is hard raising the money. I hit the same folks year after year and have to find new ones too. We must raise $2300 to walk- if you don't- you don't walk. If I worked for a huge corporation I could possibly ask management to offer a $5 jeans Friday once a month, or sell cookies in the break room, or ask my co workers for donations. But I am self employed as is my husband. It is hard asking folks to give, hard asking folks to donate money to my cause.

I can walk 20 miles a day for 3 straight days- I have done it before and think I can continue to do it. That is not the hard part, although folks always seem to think that is the hard part. I have to walk. The gene I carry and gave to my daughter and son makes me have to walk. You see it is a gene that keeps on giving. Having given it to my children and very likely my grandchildren, I am compelled to continue to walk to help find a cure. I feel that as long as I can I will.

Next year I want to travel to Chicago to do the walk. My son, Brok says he will walk it with me next year. So, after walking basically the same course for 3 years, it will be time for a new city. But this means I have to register as soon as I am done with the October one and raise my money quickly since the Chicago one is in August instead of October.

This is what I need. I need 10 companies or folks who have a heart for this disease- and want to work to find a cure with me. I want 10 sponsors- of $230 each. This can be paid over a 3 month installment plan with the 3Day folks. So, you can have $76.66 taken out of your credit card or bank card over 3 months. I am looking for folks who will consider this their annual tax deductible donation. Then I can focus on the costs of the travel, the equipment and the training to get to Chicago and walk in 2011.

I would love to hear from the 10 sponsors who want their names on the back of my shirts for my walk. Are you willing to donate? Let me know. Do not go and donate yet- I have to register for the walk in 2011 before I can take donations. But would you be willing to be one of my miracle 10? I hope so!

Warrior and Adventure

2010-08-08T16:16:00.002-04:00

Today I was walking and listening to a book on tape- by the John and Stasi Eldridge - Captivating -Unveiling the Mystery of the Woman's Soul. They talk about the things women need and desire- the things they dream about. And one of the subjects is adventure. We don't want to just hear of men's adventures- we want to be an integral part of adventures ourselves. I do think I am a woman who seeks adventure.

I love doing unique things that challenge me- that push me! I walk every week- sometimes more than others but I guess I average 10 miles a week usually and sometimes much more. I like the way it makes me feel. I used to walk and think of my mom who had died, how much I missed her. I would seem to talk in my mind to her while I walked. Then when my sister died, I found that I did the same thing for many weeks. I think of what

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote about when we walk to think gentle thoughts to heal the earth of all we had done to hurt it./thich-nhat-hanh-kiss-the-earth-poem. and I walk and think about giving back to the earth and others what God has given to me.

Today when I was walking I looked down at my newest tattoo. And I imagined the women who would have a tattoo on their arms in the past. I thought it would be a warrior woman full of adventure! I thought Joan of Ark would have a tattoo today! I thought women who like to swim against the current. The women who would hike a huge mountain.

I am 53 and I know there is a ton on my bucket list that will probably never be attained. I know that money and time and my very grounded, protective husband would prefer many of the items on my bucket list be removed. I would love to hike a huge piece of the Appalachian Trail. I always wanted to sky dive. I would love to tandem hang glide. I do think I will zip line this year. I have loved the two times I have kayaked so far. I want to go to Ireland one day. I want to visit an island that is private and skinny dip in the ocean. I want to sleep in a tree house or yurt in the woods. I find it funny that most of what I want to do is outdoors and in the wild.

I think my tattoos represent my little bit of wildness that I can do. A little bit of adventure that is unexpected. I love that I am old enough and work for myself that I do not have to worry about what others think... instead it can be my sense of adventure that is mine!

Balanced Life

2010-06-10T22:35:00.000-04:00

Today in our yoga class, our instructor, Michelle asked what one word summarized what is most important to our lives. Someone said "Peace." Another said "Health." I said "Happiness." I thought about the babies in the movie Babies that I recently saw. There were four babies all around the world. The one who seemed to have the least- seemed to me to be the happiest. My sister Debbie lived this her last decade or more of her life. She was still happy although she was being crippled more every day from ALS. I have been happy despite struggles with the aftermath of my surgeries and breast cancer. I have been able to find peace in the midst of storms. My husband is learning to do this more each day. Owning a business during a recession is difficult. There have been lots of tumultuous times. It is difficult when even his best friends tell him it may be time to quit. He pushes through the storms and finds peace. And as the economy turns around he keeps his eye on the horizon and the calm. I say happiness because you can be happy in your situation whatever it is because life is bigger than me. God is much bigger than me.

I have a rather large tattoo on my right hip and side. It says, "Control is merely an illusion, God is in control." I have to have this tattooed on me to help remind me of this during difficult times. It was a decision I made to have it placed after my third hernia surgery failed- or at least the bulge returned. I have to have strong reminders that God is really in control. He sees a bigger picture than I can see.

I feel more centered and balanced in my life now than ever before. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a husband who loves me and stands by me without wavering. I have family who fills my life with joy. I have some great very loyal friends. I have friends who love me in spite of my flaws and seek to see the good in me. I try to see the good in others around me. I feel blessed with my health- although my body is far from perfect, I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job that is fulfilling and purposeful.

I breathe in and I breathe out and feel complete. I feel full of life and love. What more can someone really dream of having? I may not have fortune, but I feel very rich!

Pluses and Minuses

2010-06-07T15:13:00.000-04:00

This week I met with my general surgeon who I had been referred to due to the "bulge" that was on my left lower abdomen. The thought was that it was probably my hernia returning once more... already had three surgeries for this thing!

But this surgeon not only got my operative notes from all of my surgeries over the last 2.5 years but also ordered a barium and dye cat scan. This was not my first cat scan but it was my first abdominal one for this issue. That in and of itself made me feel more reassured.

He spent an hour with me going over the cat scan and operative information he had gathered. Some things were a revelation for me. I went in knowing the bulge was increasing almost daily and felt he was going to recommend surgery. But instead he gave me all of the options.

He walked me through the cat scan frame by frame - which was really neat. He started at the top- identified lungs- heart, etc... then would ask me what things were after explaining earlier that the white would be bone and the black would be air. My knowledge of anatomy was proved to be pretty good. But he wanted to pay special attention to the muscles around the abdomen.

Up at the top of my abdomen you could identify 3 layers of muscle in the lats, obliques and rectus muscles. But once you got down to the area of the bellybutton the whole left side of my abdomen was totally missing the abdominis rectus muscles. When I say missing- I really mean missing. Seems that the outer mesh that was put on me for the first hernia repair is not even visible as it meshes into the tissue. But the only thing patching the hole where the muscle would be was the mesh the other general surgeon put in for my second laproscopic surgery. That is all besides a little fat and skin that is between me and my intestines! Whoa!

So the bulge has been getting bigger cause the mesh that is in me is supposed to give and stretch a bit for comfort. This surgeon said that the first surgeon could have carried it a bit lower and even attached it to my pelvic bone for more stability- but that would have been a much more extensive surgery than was planned for that time.

The surgery that would "fix" the problem would entail putting polypropylene mesh in me. He would put a huge piece that would be grafted into my lower left pelvis and wrap around me to be grafted into the right back rib. He said my recovery would be 4-6 weeks- and he did not mean recovery- he said he meant the time I hated him and was on major pain medication! He said it would be bound for a time and over about a year it would fully scar into my body. Hmmmm. He said it would create a flat, firm stomach but my flexibility would be pretty difficult. Hmmmm.

At one time in my life when I would have surgery and the surgeon was my age or a bit older, I would ask the question, "What would you suggest your wife do?" But since Dr. L is young enough to be my son probably or close to it- I asked him, "What would you suggest to your mom?" He then said, don't do the surgery. He said that my quality of life would have to be really diminished to do the surgery. He did elude that years down the road that may be needed... but for now he had only one solution...

Compression garments will become my daily under my clothes clothes. I mean it is better than the girdles of our mothers for sure- we now have great fabrics that breathe and wick moisture away... but basically I will wear sports compression shorts- or compression garments from the womens' lingerie department for the rest of my life! UGH!

So, I always recommend folks make a plus and minus list to make decisions... the plus column has listed in it:

no surgery
no hernia
no real concern health wise for now
that which does not kill me makes me stronger- and literally these garments will make my abdomen supported and thus stronger!
I can walk the 3day and train as long as I wear compression garments
I can do yoga but no more abdominal stuff

And the minus column has:

can't rebuild or replace muscle without robbing another part of your body
got to live with a bulge forever
can't do any ab workouts cause duh- I do not have any abs on one whole side of my body
have to wear compression garments pretty much all the time so it does not get worse

So, there is my list. I am happy that I do not have things like a colostomy, a mastectomy prosthetic, a brace that restricts movement, an artificial limb, a glass eye.... you get my point. I have to smile and say- oh well- life could be much worse and I have soooo much to be thankful for.

So let me know if you see any cool looking core compression shorts that have my name on them! Bought a pair yesterday at the NIKE store for $22. Cool thing was they were size SMALL! And I ordered some cool stuff from Merena last week that should arrive tomorrow. So, I am smiling and counting my blessings- one by one!

Body of Alterations

2010-06-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about how altered my body is from the original one that God gave me...and I don't mean hair color and such. When I was still a teen I had my tonsils removed, my ears pierced and my tendon relocated over the right knee cap. Then in my early twenties, I had my 4 wisdom teeth removed. Although I also had some exploratory laproscopic surgery, nothing was really altered...just scars left behind. In my 30's I had my cervix, ovaries, uterus and appendix removed and had some more right knee reconstructing done. At 39 I got the first of 11 tattoos. At 50 I had my breasts removed and reconstructed with my belly tissue. Then I had a piece of my nose removed and another piece stretched over the newly made hole that basal cell cancer caused. And over the last two years more mesh was added to my belly to hold back the ever bulging hernia. Wow...make me laugh in wonder if God is gonna recognize this body when he finally sees it!

Intuition Is My Power!

2010-05-16T18:09:00.002-04:00

Today Ben Barnett preached at our church service. He had some pretty amazing stuff to share! I wrote down "What is the language of the wind? Power and spirit are like the wind. Inspired means being in the spirit. Wind is uncontrollable, mysterious and uncertain. We need to welcome the wind to find the power." And I started thinking about my power of God within me. I have written about it before, but I know for me it is the whispers of God. He said his daughter, when she was eight years old was questioning God's existence since she had never heard God speak to her. Then one day she asked for a wind to cool her off and out of no where came the wind. I thought about the times I have heard God.

I have dreamed dreams- like the bible says in the later days, Acts 2 that the old men- or in this case- the old women will dream dreams. I have dreamed of my grandchildren before their mother's knew they were pregnant. I have known the gender of the babies. I have done this for a few women who I love almost like daughters as well. I seem to have a sense of what will happen before it happens. A knowing before it is known.

The most prominent time of knowing this power was within me was my breast cancer. I had asked God to whisper in my ear if I needed to move forward and have my breasts removed prior to being diagnosed with cancer. I felt it was the logical thing to do- but I just needed a nudge from God. When a lump was found in my left breast in June 2007, I knew that was the whisper. It was benign. The biopsy showed no cancer. I then had several more mammograms- ultrasounds and even a breast MRI. No cancer was found. I then had the BRCA blood test and the results showed I carried the Breast Cancer gene- having an 87% chance of breast cancer risk and a 45% ovarian cancer risk. Since I had no ovaries, it seemed logical to me to have my breasts removed before they killed me.

But the day the phone rang and they gave me the results of that MRI, I cried when they said I did not show any tumors. My husband thought it odd to cry since he could tell these were not tears of relief or joy. I was mad. I was mad because that little voice within me told me I had cancer. I felt I had heard God say that I should have my bilateral mastectomy and that I had cancer. How could I have been so wrong in what I was feeling?

I moved forward, much to many folks lack of understanding or agreement. I had my bilateral mastectomy on November 15th, 2007. "Healthy" breasts removed according to some... "bombs" waiting to blow according to others. And five days later, at a post operative appointment to remove the drains, my general surgeon came into the room to give me some news. My pathology report showed indeed I had had cancer- in the right breast. DCIS stage 1 in four places in one quadrant. I was shocked to find that the MRI had missed it. It made me scared for my two children who thought MRI surveillance would help them to find breast cancer early. But it also relieved me to know that indeed that had been the whispers of God I had heard.

I did and still do have God living within me- His power within me- Him loving me and guiding me through one of the toughest = if not the toughest decision I had ever made. It was really the beginning of me fully believing this power was within me. That I just needed to be still and listen. I think God tries to whisper in our ears a lot- but we are too busy- too anxious- too deaf to hear it.

Today is the sixth year anniversary of loosing my mom. She too was intuitive. The day she left to have a surgery that had a 98% survival rate, she asked if she could sign the title to her old car to me. I refused. She had gone shopping for pajamas a few days earlier and had asked if she could buy me something for her funeral, I vehemently declined. She told me to take these purchases back and buy me something for her funeral if she died- I reluctantly agreed to get her to stop talking that way. I knew my mom would never wear pajamas until they had been washed- so I knew this would never happen.

But after 3.5 weeks in the CICU she died. I never got her bag out of the car during that time- awaiting her to be on the postoperative floor before doing so. When I came home and brought her bag inside, I opened it to find all of the items she had purchased folded nicely one on top of the other- tags still on the items- and the receipt on top. She knew she was not going to be wearing them. I found a note taped on her computer screen. It was an envelope entitled, "open only if I have gone to be with Jesus" It had all the important information for her funeral- phone numbers and details.

She knew. I had not listened because I did not want to believe she would not be returning home to me. She waited for the first day that I was not there early in the morning. She was doing so well I asked her if I could perhaps go to church that day and see her in the afternoon. She waited for me to not be with her to slip away to be with my dad and with Jesus.

My sister died 22 days ago. If I had gone the day I considered going, I would have been with her a day before she died. I would have been in the house when Don found her the morning he realized she too had gone to be with Jesus in her sleep. She knew my plans were to arrive on Sunday. I wonder if she slipped away before I got there to save me the pain of seeing her body without her spirit. After all, even though I try to appear strong, she did see me as her baby sister. Perhaps she was protecting me. My fears of her passing urged me to go on Friday. But then I had prayed and a mom in early labor caused me to stay a few days longer. The voice within me told me to stay with my original plan and leave on Sunday morning. Was that the whisper of God protecting me?

It has been a hard 7 years- loosing my dad- loosing my mom- loosing my brother in law- loosing my mother in law and loosing my sister along with four major surgeries and loosing my breasts... but God is in me- He is within me and with me all the time. I feel His power when I struggle- when I want to quit- when I feel myself crumbling... I hang on to His hand and he pulls me through.

BRCA 1 Mutated- What Does This Really Mean?

2010-05-05T10:49:00.002-04:00

Having a BRCA gene is something you inherit. It is not caused from what you eat, or how you live. It is like having brown eyes or being tall- it is purely genetic. It is something my mom must have had and something she probably shared from her sister. She could have gotten it from her mom or her dad. They would not have necessarily had to have had cancer as well- but one of them must have carried the mutated gene in order for my mom to have had it. And that is how I got it- a genetic component of what mom passed on to me.

The type of BRCA1 mutation I carry offered me an 87% increase chance of breast cancer and a 45% increase chance of ovarian cancer. Since I had already had my ovaries out, that was not an issue. I had had a total hysterectomy due to my uterus being three times the size and full of benign tumors when I was only 32 years old. But my remedy for the 87% chance that remained for breast cancer was to be rid of my breasts. Made total sense to me!

This year I had my second colonoscopy. Had my first one before the hysterectomy to rule out my pain being colon related. I had my husband get his first one- he was 6 years overdue. Today we had a skin cancer screening with Kaiser. It was free, so Dallas agreed to go with me! I had Moh surgery a little over a year ago - cancer on my nose- basal cell carcinoma. It was an ugly surgery- but now my nose looks great- and is cancer free!

I looked up some info that my readers may be interested in today- from the government cancer site:
"A woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. Such a woman has an increased risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer at an early age (before menopause) and often has multiple, close family members who have been diagnosed with these diseases."

My mother had breast cancer at the age of 38, her sister died at the age of 44 from metastasized breast cancer. My sister, although never tested for the BRCA gene developed breast cancer at the age of 44 and died this month from complications caused from her chemotherapy resulting in a slow form of ALS. I developed breast cancer late in the scheme of things- 50 years old. The thought is my premenopausal hysterectomy may have delayed things as well as nursing for seven cumulative years.

"Harmful BRCA1 mutations may also increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical, uterine, pancreatic, and colon cancer (1, 2). Harmful BRCA2mutations may additionally increase the risk of pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, gallbladder and bile duct cancer, and melanoma (3)."

I carry only the BRCA1 mutation. So I am in good shape with not having a cervix or a uterus. But I do have a pancreas and a colon. My colonoscopy was all clear this year!

"Men with harmful BRCA1 mutations also have an increased risk of breast cancer and, possibly, of pancreatic cancer, testicular cancer, and early-onset prostate cancer. However, male breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, and prostate cancer appear to be more strongly associated with BRCA2 gene mutations (2–4)."

Boy am I glad I do not have the BRCA2 gene when it comes to having passed this to my son and having a grandson who may be at risk!

"The likelihood that a breast and/or ovarian cancer is associated with a harmful mutation in BRCA1 orBRCA2 is highest in families with a history of multiple cases of breast cancer, cases of both breast and ovarian cancer, one or more family members with two primary cancers (original tumors that develop at different sites in the body), or an Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Jewish background (see Question 6). However, not every woman in such families carries a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation, and not every cancer in such families is linked to a harmful mutation in one of these genes. Furthermore, not every woman who has a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation will develop breast and/or ovarian cancer."

Yes I had a 13% chance of not having breast cancer- but if you have followed my story- you know that my screening showed no cancer originally- my pathology found it. So, the 87% odds were not something I felt comfortable with. And my intuitive spirit led me to move forward. But it also means that it is not a death sentence to have this gene mutation. It is a wake up call to be proactive. The FORCE- facing our risk of cancer empowered group calls those who carry this gene and have not been diagnosed with cancer as Previvors. I like that. Two of my children are previvors.

"According to estimates of lifetime risk, about 12.0 percent of women (120 out of 1,000) in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives compared with about 60 percent of women (600 out of 1,000) who have inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 (4, 5). In other words, a woman who has inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is about five times more likely to develop breast cancer than a woman who does not have such a mutation."

The specific gene found tells them your percentage. For instance 12x5 is only 60% but my mutation actually carried a higher likelihood- 87%.

"Lifetime risk estimates for ovarian cancer among women in the general population indicate that 1.4 percent (14 out of 1,000) will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer compared with 15 to 40 percent of women (150–400 out of 1,000) who have a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation (4, 5)."

Ovarian cancer is the insidious cancer though. It us usually diagnosed late- and it harder to find. The screening tests are very inadequate. And the survival rates once it is found are dismal.

"It is important to note, however, that most research related to BRCA1 and BRCA2 has been done on large families with many individuals affected by cancer. Estimates of breast and ovarian cancer risk associated with BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations have been calculated from studies of these families. Because family members share a proportion of their genes and, often, their environment, it is possible that the large number of cancer cases seen in these families may be due in part to other genetic or environmental factors. Therefore, risk estimates that are based on families with many affected members may not accurately reflect the levels of risk for BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutation carriers in the general population. In addition, no data are available from long-term studies of the general population comparing cancer risk in women who have harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutations with women who do not have such mutations. Therefore, the percentages given above are estimates that may change as more data become available."

So this basically says- there could be other factors that put those with BRCA mutations at risk. I have participated in a few studies - one done by the EPA to help figure some of these risk factors out. So there are a few things that need to be considered.

Don't think just because your mom had breast cancer you are a carrier. The age she developed it- and the numbers of family members who also have had it factor in big time. My mom only had one sister- she died from breast cancer. Both of them were premenopausal when they developed breast cancer. My sister fell into this same category.

You can decide to be proactive in a few ways. The studies say that you need to get your first mammogram ten years prior to the first incidence of breast cancer in your family tree. So for our family that would be at the age of 28. If you are a male- you still should have a through exam by a breast specialist. It does not matter if you have small breasts- you still have mammary tissue none the less.

You can decide to do something prophylactic like I did. Have the organs you do not necessarily need to live, removed. My mantra had been no chemo- no radiation. I had seen what radiation did to my mom. I had seen what chemotherapy did to my sister. By having my breasts removed before I was diagnosed with cancer caused my chances of that to be greatly diminished. It also left my skin and tissue healthier for reconstruction.

I made the right decision for me. I hope this information will help you if you too may be facing this risk.

hmmm this in today- 5.13.10 read from the National Center for Biotechnology Information:

BRCA1 and pancreatic cancer: pedigree findings and their causal relationships.

Lynch HT, Deters CA, Snyder CL, Lynch JF, Villeneuve P, Silberstein J, Martin H, Narod SA, Brand RE.

Department of Preventive Medicine, Creighton University School of Medicine, 2500 California Plaza, Omaha, NE 68178, USA. htlynch@creighton.edu

Abstract

Anecdotal reports and series studies indicate that 5-10% of pancreatic cancer (PC) cases are familial. In addition, PC is associated with a variety of hereditary cancer syndromes. PC appears to be an integral cancer in the hereditary breast-ovarian cancer (HBOC) syndrome, with most notice given to the role of BRCA2. Our purpose is to call attention to BRCA1, which also predisposes to PC. Using data from our familial breast cancer registry, we identified 19 BRCA1/2 families that contain PC affecteds in the pedigrees, 15 with BRCA1 mutations and 4 with BRCA2 mutations. The association between BRCA2 and pancreatic cancer is well established; however, a definite link with pancreatic cancer in families carrying a BRCA1 mutation has been far less studied. Thus, the focus of this report is on 9 of the 15 BRCA1 families, in which PC affecteds were either confirmed carriers of the BRCA1 mutation or were inferred as probable obligate BRCA1 mutation carriers. The numbers are small, but nevertheless illustrate the finding of others of an apparent association between PC and BRCA1-mutation-bearing families. Given the dismal prognosis of PC, with the only current hope for survival being through surgical extirpation of the pancreas prior to metastasis, it is prudent that we realize the potential predisposition toward PC via BRCA1, in the hope of early diagnosis and prevention.

It is a shame that there is no good screening for pancreatic cancer yet!

my sister

2010-04-27T20:48:00.000-04:00

My sister died in her sleep Saturday morning after a decade of slowly crippling. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer more than a decade ago. She actually had the same type of breast cancer as me- DCIS. And it could have been related to carrying the BRCA1 gene as I carry. But two things were really different. First, when she developed her cancer they had not yet identified the BRCA gene mutation. So unlike me, going into my surgery prophylactic removing of my breasts, that was not a consideration. When you carry the gene that I carry you have a 45% chance of ovarian cancer and a 87% chance of breast cancer. It is genetic..so my kids carried a 50/50 chance of also getting it...like eye color and height, etc. Two of my three children carry this gene. They will be taking stronger surveillance measures and perhaps choosing prophylactic surgery in their future as well.

The second thing that was different for us is the kind of cancer we both had DCIS is no longer treated with chemotherapy if there is no spread into the lymph nodes. Since my cancer was not found until after my breasts were removed, they did not test my lymph nodes- but there is no indication that the cancer was anything but contained in the one duct under the right nipple. So my oncologist said no chemo would be needed. He considered my radical measure of having my breasts removed to have completely cured my cancer. Debbie's doctor went into over kill mode due to my mom's breast cancer. Same hospital as my mom's surgery years earlier. So they tested her lymph nodes and although they were clear, took them anyway and then chemotherapy was done.

Now what we know is that the ALS that crippled her was triggered by the type of chemo she received. So, although the doctors felt they were treating her in her best interest, their treatment caused her death. It is so sad that the very thing that was used to try to prolong her life and cure her breast cancer was the very thing that led to her disease that crippled her and took its toll on her body over the last decade. Not fair, huh?

My mantra all my adult life has not been "don't get cancer." The doctors told me when I was 19 to expect the cancer that my mom was a survivor of and the cancer that took her sister's life was familiar cancer. Running in families. When I met Dallas, my husband I told him that I would probably loose my breasts someday. But after seeing what chemo did to Debbie my mantra was "no chemo." I had felt that way before but it was strengthened by seeing the devastation that it caused in her life. My decision to remove my breasts when I found out I carried the genetic mutation was my way to avoid chemotherapy. And it worked!

They do not always know the side effects of medications. This is why they call it practicing medicine- it is not an exact science to be sure. In fact no one wanted to diagnose her with Lou Gehrigs disease for a long time- and then finally when she was diagnosed, Debbie's faith wanted to believe God would cure her. She had absolutely amazing faith! She died with dignity though. She did not want the be intubated and did not have the usual measures to keep her body alive in a fashion she did not consider to be living.

Debbie was never tested for the BRCA1 gene. She did not feel she wanted to know if she carried the gene due to the fact her children could also be carriers. The idea of having passed this on to her children was more than she could handle. She also had no need to know since she would not be able to consider any measures to keep the disease from coming back since it was taking all her effort to fight the disease that was taking her ability to walk from her.

Her children did not want to be tested at that time either. Whether they choose to do so later is their option. They can do so without having her results- they can do it based on mine since if she was a carrier it would be with my identical mutation. I can certainly help them with the information if and when they are ready to research their options of information. The medical establishment knows so much more than they did in the decade between her breast cancer and mine being found. I want to believe that in the next decade advances will be made to protect my children and my grandchildren from this mutation of BRCA1 to cause them to have to fight this disease.

Unfair- Sadness Overwhelms Me

2010-04-27T18:23:00.000-04:00

I wrote this blog last week- actually on Thursday morning- and I got a call Saturday morning that she passed in her sleep last night from Don, her husband. I did not get there in time to say goodbye....but I know she knew I loved her. I had been there before to help take care of her over the last years. I will miss her so much. She always had a sparkle about her! I know Don her husband is relieved she is no longer in any pain, but I know he will feel empty and lonely for a long time. He has been the best husband to her. Meeting her needs and putting his needs aside. She will be missed by us all. Thanks for your support and prayers for our family.

4.22.10

My sister is dying. Lou Gehrigs disease courses through her body robbing her of her ability to move her chest up and down with deep breaths. It has already ravaged her extremities causing her to be unable to walk and use her hands. It is so unfair. They think this was triggered by her chemotherapy following her breast cancer. Cancer that was the same kind as mine and probably did not need chemo at all- or her lymph nodes removed. But since this was the hospital that treated my mom- they gave her the full gamete... and now she is left with this awful disease.

She has been a woman of faith throughout this battle- going to healing services, praying, fasting, begging God to have mercy on her. But for whatever reason, one I do plan to get an explanation about when I go to heaven, he did not allow this disease to be banished from her body.

She will leave behind a very devoted husband who has served her and loved her though this more than a decade of disease. She has four children, grandchildren and her two sisters who love her dearly. But it leaves me so sad that at the age of almost 56 this may be her last year of life. It is so unfair.

I suppose a part of me feels guilty that I had cancer and came through so differently. I know that is a ridiculous thought but one I struggle with none the less. I hate that she is a seven hour drive away and my work causes me to have to struggle with just getting in the car and leaving to go up to see her- to be with her- to hold her hand- to cry with her- to sing to her- to hold her- to meet her needs.

I feel empty and hollow inside about her sickness. I want to scream unfair. I want to beg God once more to show mercy. I can't believe I have lost my parents, my mother in law, my brother in law and now I will be loosing my sister. I just feel the need to collapse in a puddle or scream at the top of my lungs. Unfair. Why?

I feel so sad. A sadness like one I have never felt before. You expect to loose your parents as you get older- as they age. But my sister is only three years older than me. She should not be dying. We should not have to be dealing with this. I just can't believe she will not be there in the future. I can't believe she will not be sending me pictures of her holding and playing with her grandchildren.

And Don, her husband. I know he will feel empty and lonely. But I also know he has watched her cry and suffer in pain. I know he will be happy she is in heaven and not suffering any longer. I know he will be happy to see her with no more pain. But he has been with her for more than half his life... and I know the two of them are so in love.

Her daughter, Heather, will eventually birth her babies without her mom by her side. That is so unfair. That makes me so sad. I am just overwhelmed with sadness at what her loss will bring.

The angels in heaven better take good care of her. They better appreciate what they are getting. I am sure mom and dad will be there to greet her. But I can't believe this sickness is going to win. Makes me so sad. I am not ready for her to go. She has been a blessing in my life.

Yoga Truths

2010-04-01T21:13:00.002-04:00

I spoke to my yoga instructor about how certain postures in yoga- certain positions are just too difficult for me to do. I am not a can't do it kinda girl. I have pushed myself to the limit several times in my life- when I was a dancer- when I ran on the boy's track team- walking in the 3day Breast Cancer walk for 60 miles- but I feel a bit frustrated with my body right now. Made me so upset internally tonight, a part of me just wanted to roll up my mat and go home...crying. But I decided to stay and fight through my emotions.

I have a ventral or incisional hernia that has been attempted to be repaired three times but keeps returning. I have a hole in my muscle on the left side of my abdomen that is large- I think it is as large as it once was which is 4 inches by 6 inches. Which means there is a bulge where my intestines push through the abdominal wall. The large ones according to my midwife friend, are the ones you don't have to usually worry about becoming strangulated. So I guess I am in good shape!

But I can't hold plank, can't do cobra, can't do table... can't do a bunch of positions and it sucks. I can not strengthen my abdominal muscles as long as the hernia exists. I can try to strengthen it- but it only bulges out more. It is frustrating- do I just live with it and enjoy what I can do? Do I go see the general surgeon that my primary care doc seems to think I should see to have an assessment regarding another surgery? At this point I say nope... but I did enjoy the things I could do in yoga today... one day at a time...namaste.

The 3Day Walk

2010-03-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

I was talking to some guys on the ride home from the Katrina Mission Trip I was on last weekend. I was sharing how awful I feel about asking the same folks for money each year but how I really felt I could not not walk each year. I mean I am a survivor- sure- not going to be getting breast cancer again- no mammary tissue means no breast cancer... but you know as long as Julie and John Brok have an 87% chance of getting it- and Julie's children have a 50% propensity to also have this gene- I have to walk.

I have to walk and raise awareness and money to help fight this awful disease. I lost my breasts due to the threat of this disease only to find out I had cancer that was undetected living within me. I have a huge scar across my abdomen and three hernia operations that have failed- a bulge on my left side- and memories of the pain and the ache of having my body cut on over and over. I do not want that for my children. I do not want that for my grandchildren.

The least I can do is raise money and walk each year. Will I keep doing it? I hope so. Will I be a part of finding the cure- yes! Now the question is- will you also have a part in finding the cure? I hope so.

April 16th is the one year anniversary of my last surgery. Will it actually be my last? I am unsure. My primary care doctor wants me to see a general surgeon again to determine if he can fix my hernia... one more try? Am I gonna do it? Who knows. I am kinda tired of saying "my last surgery!" My tattoo on my hip that says, "God is in control, control is merely an illusion," says it all. As long as the hernia is only a bulge that occasionally gives me pain, something a gentle fist into my abdomen usually fixes, I am voting no on the surgery.

But I am not voting no on walking again. Trying to make a difference- one mile at a time. My goal was to have my money raised by that one year anniversary. I am almost half way to the required $2300. I wonder, will you help me again this year? If you considered helping me in the past but did not, would you consider it this year? I need your help in fighting- I need your financial help! Will you click on this link and help me? Donate

Levaquin

2010-02-10T18:02:00.002-05:00

"Levaquin may cause swelling or tearing of a tendon (the fiber that connects bones to muscles in the body), especially in the Achilles' tendon of the heel."

When I developed pseudomonas in my abominal incision area following my bilateral mastectomy, my doctor prescribed Levaquin. Four days later I awoke with an awful pain in my left hand in the area of my thumb. I had never had anything like this occur before. I immediately started googling to find out if the only medication I was on could be causing this effect. I read about some adverse reacations to this medication. I called my doctor who was dismissive that this drug could be causing this problem but I made the decision to stop the medication immediately. After seeing my family physician, he splinted my thumb and scheduled me to see a physical therapist after a week of no change, and then after two months of seeing the physical therapist he referred me to a hand specialists who gave me two shots of steroids. From that point things began to be normal again.

During the next few months I developed a hernia in the area of the incision. And after three different attempts to repair it, it has continued to return. My surgeon has said I just have "Sucky fascia." My massage therapist, who also practices Kinesis Myofascial Integration (www.kmiatlanta.com) , says he finds that my fascia is actually not sucky at all!

Well last week when he was working on my body, we chatted as is our custom. I was talking to him about how my thumb had been hurt probably due to the drug Levaquin. We were discussing my trigger finger issue on my other hand. And then he said something really profound- he said, "you know that an achilles tendon is connective tissue- it is fascia." The minute he said it I connected all the dots. Could my repetitive attempts to rid myself of a ventral, incisional hernia be failing not because of me having "sucky fascia" but instead be a repercussion of bad medicine? I cried. I just flooded my face with tears. Perhaps this was not my fault at all. Perhaps this was an intragenic error by the manufacturers of Levaquin.

My surgery was successful- but not without some complications that were more than likely intragenic in nature ... the infection- more than likely hospital based- the medication- already under investigation but still being prescribed- and now the blame being passed to me- when indeed perhaps it was not about me but instead what had been done to me!

If you do a search on this drug you will find tons of folks touting the bad nature of the drug and the ramifications of having been on it. In fact one attorney's site shows this from July 2008 "On Tuesday, the FDA announced that they are requiring the makers of fluoroquinolone antibiotics, such as Cipro and Levaquin, to add a black box warning about an increased risk of tendinitis and tendon ruptures. They are also requiring that patients receive a Medication Guide highlighting the possible tendon side effects. The lawyers at Saiontz & Kirk, P.A. have been investigating potential Cipro and Levaquin lawsuits against the manufacturers as a result of their failure to warn about the risk of the debilitating tendon ruptures. The failure to provide this detailed warning sooner has likely resulted in thousands of preventable and unnecessary injuries."

Revelation on the massage table this past week causes me to sigh deeply. I do not feel like being a part of an ongoing lawsuit. I do not blame my doctor who prescribed the drug- in fact he said he used it all the time. I do not feel like rehashing this under oath when my long term effects are not life debilitating. But I do feel better having put the dots together on this one for me- in my situation.

I am going to live with my hernia- it is not so big that it is gross to look at. It is not so small as to be a real danger. And if I have a problem with it, I will reconsider my pledge to not have any more surgeries to attempt to repair it. I may end up with another shot of steriods for my trigger finger if it becomes more painful- but for now I can deal with it. I just realized that it is one more time that I realize more deeply that the medical profession is still "practicing medicine" on us- their guinea pigs.