Life's twists and turns

Had two wonderfully gentle births last week- the moms and dads worked beautifully together and their labors unfolded so gently. Then I have a birth that I just want to scream unfair to! The mom has lost two babies in early miscarriages and this one has been a wonderful journey of falling in love with this son within her. The couple meshes into one another as if they melt into one. It is a privilege to be their childbirth educator and doula.

Her labor begins with contractions following an appointment earlier in the day. She seems to be gently rolling into her labor on her due date and with the full moon. I get a call regarding them headed into the hospital and I meet them there. She is working with contractions regular every 3 to 4 minutes. I watch and marvel at how well she is doing, with her lover by her side. They have done the work needed to be fully prepared.

Their midwives are wonderful... gentle and encouraging and most of all patiently supportive. After 13 hours another exam shows her cervix has not changed at all. Three options are given- augment your labor with pitocin, augment your labor with rupturing your membranes or consider this prodromal labor- take something to sleep and stop your labor and go home. She bravely chose the later.

After eight hours of sleep she woke to labor again. Active and stronger she stayed in touch via the phone and they stayed home as long as they could. They knew they were facing augmentation if they returned without a lot of change.

I met them again at the hospital with smiles on their faces. She looked amazing- beautiful and radient. She had progressed and she was delighted. Her water was broken two hours later to help move things along. She labored for five hours regular and strong. But the next exam showed no change had occurred. Her son was still high and did not seem to want to drop down into the birth passage.

After careful consideration, an epidural was placed. She had been laboring regularly sans the sleep induced eight hours for over 52 hours now. Fatigue was taking its toll. But again she did not show any fear. The epidural was placed and even before doing so the baby was showing some decelerations with each contraction. Was he trying to get into the birth canal?

The baby was not tolerating labor any longer. Within minutes of the epidural the subtle decelerations began to be not so subtle. We thought at first it was the epidural but once the mom's blood pressure stabilized the baby still showed his concern regarding continuing.

Two hours later she is rolled into the OR for a surgical birth. This was not what she wanted at all. It was not fair. There were questions that may never be answered- was it her low positioned fibroid that caused this? Was it the 14 inch head? Was it his 8+ pound body? Was it his face turned a bit upward upon his attempt to enter the birth canal? We don't have definitive answers.

What I do know is this mom labored like a warrior woman. She did not complain. She tried everything we offered. She worked so hard. She did the next best thing at every turn after exhausting the alternatives. I cry tears of disappointment for her. But I am not disappointed with her in any way. She needs to stand proud at the work she did along her journey to hold her son in her arms.

Sometimes we get twists and turns in our lives that are difficult- unfair- unexpected. My mantra continues to be, "God is in control, control is merely an illusion."

Nurture Decatur: 11/30 Lecture: The Benefits of Doula Care

Nurture Decatur: 11/30 Lecture: The Benefits of Doula Care

My journal on 3.15.1977

I wrote this posting in my journal when Julie was 4 months old and ironically 2 years to the day before I would give birth again to my son. The parenthesis are my additions today. I think it is funny that although I had no interest in birth per se- this definitely gives light to my calling to become a doula!

Julie, I have been thinking about writing to you for a long time. Unfortunately your mother is a procrastinator and that;s why I haven't gotten around to writing til now.

This book is for you to read when you are much older (ironically the procrastinator in me kept this book from having much more than mostly empty pages! the last journal entry is on her first birthday) I hope to be able to express the thoughts I have now so that you will know later how I felt.

The responsibilities of parenting are great. I was upset when I found out I was pregnant with you.Ypur dad and I had just begun our life together and I wasn't sure how I felt about sharing that new life together with a baby. (We were married three months after our first date- and Julie was a honeymoon conception!)I had lots of plans for school and a time of carefreeness planned but...As the time of your birth drew near I began to get excited about giving birth to a new life. Even after Lamaze classes I don't believe I was mentally ready for your birth. Even though I was ready for your delivery. Then, when there was only a week or so left of pregnancy, I realized I wanted you more than I ever knew and each day that followed was with hopes of soon holding you in my arms.

My labor, our labor, was relatively painless- at least not what I had feared. I went into labor around ten o'clock after going to bed, waking at one o'clock, laboring in the car on the way to Duke and getting to the hospital just in the nick of time- (I was fully dilated when I was checked on arrival) you were born at 4:32am. I nursed you after the episiotomy (after I was stitched up from a 4th degree- ouch!), but we got to massage you until the doctor was through. A lot of women are "delivered" but I gave birth to you - awake and aware!

To be perfectly honest with you, you were not an joy your first month. You couldn't stand to be wet and therefore it seemed like you constantly cried. Then you started sleeping through the night. Progressively you became more and more of a joy...a smile- a coo- and later a laugh.

You're 4 months old now and I love you more than ever. You're a joy to play with and to nurse. When you nap during the day I find myself anxious to wake you up. I love you very much!

Reflections

Today is November 9th- it is only a few days before I celebrate being two years breast cancer free. This past weekend I hiked a rugid hike of the Smith Creek Trail at Unicoi Park at the Anna Ruby Falls. I hiked it with our best friends. It was hard at times- but mostly fun. It took us three hours. I am sure it would have been less if we were not having to make our way over a barely marked path covered in newly fallen leaves. But as I reflected on the beauty of the woods- the quiet of the isolated area- the freshness of the air, I also reflected on how two years ago this trail would have been hard for me. Actually hard for the four of us. We have all lost weight and gotten much more healthy over the last year.

Whether I helped in their desires to get more fit I have no idea- of course I have caused Dallas to get more healthy. He says it is due to me not feeding him anymore- yucky foods anyway! But I do think he has gotten healthier as I drug him out to train for the 3day with me. He resisted at first but sometimes tagged along as long as we would not be walking more than an hour!

But what I do know- is that we are all four healthier. All four several pounds lighter! We were strong while walking across the peak of the mountain on Saturday. Laughing, occasionally complaining- actually mostly me- I even said we should have brought cheese since I was supplying the whine! It was fun! It was an adventure!

Dallas and I went to Vogel on the way home. We walked the campground picking out spots that looked great for our future camping expeditions with our grandkids. We love camping and want to share the love we have for the outdoors with our grandkids. We want to make some family outings that they will remember long after we are gone and perhaps plant the seeds for them to do the same with their kids one day!

I feel stronger now than I have in at least a decade or more. I feel healthier. I feel emotionally strong. I feel happy. Happy with my life. I am glad that I had cancer in some ways- glad I had the mammogram that found that lump- and made the decision to have my breasts removed- it spurred me on to becoming healthier than I ever would have chosen to be on my own.

This weekend was a great one of reflection on the things that are important: my lover and friend- Dallas, the beauty that God has provided in this earth, the family and friends we have that are special and precious to us, and health. It was a great time to reflect. Have you taken time to do so lately about what is important to you?

The Reason I Walk

Last weekend I completed the 3Day 60 mile walk for Susan G Komen. It was my second time walking. But this year I walked healthy and prepared and completed the whole walk. I met folks who were survivors, whose family had been affected by breast cancer, whose family member or friend had lost their battle to breast cancer. But the reason I walk goes beyond that.

Yes my mom had breast cancer when I was nine years old. And then again when I was sixteen. When I was nineteen, my maternal aunt died from her battle that began as breast cancer. My sister is a breast cancer survivor. I am a breast cancer survivor. But this is just a small part of why I walk.

I have two children who I passed the mutated BRCA1 gene on to. There are three grandchildren who may have also inherited this gene. This is why I feel compelled to walk. I hate that my genetic mutation is something that will continue to be passed unless we find a cure. I must walk in order to do my part to find that cure. I may not be a scientist but I can walk. I can raise money and appeal to others to help me in making donations to find the cure.

Every step I took of this walk I had my family in my heart and on my mind. I knew why I had to sign up again for 2010... I don't have a choice. If I am strong enough, healthy enough, I will walk.

on my birthday this year...

...I woke up in one of my favorite places- next to my husband of 32 years... in a tent next to the lake...listening to the birds and squirrels scampering about. Soon my phone rang with a call from my son and daughter in law singing me my first birthday song for the day!



...my lover had made a pot of coffee and we sat and ate granola bites, fresh fruit and had a cup of coffee together in side by side chairs looking out over the lake with the sun streaming over the water. Soon my friend Harry called to sing me the Birthday Blues via his harmonica accompaniment!

...we decided to go out for an adventure- a drive without having a place to go. But first we stopped by the shopping center to have him help me pick out a new swim suit. I wanted something that fit my new body- that made me feel pretty. We ended up getting me two new tankinis!

...we drove through Cumming. We decided to get out and walk a bit but were disappointed after walking around a block and finding nothing of real interest to see or do....we then began to drive toward Dawsonville but I remembered a friend- Denise- telling me about a garden with a labyrinth to walk.

...I called and got the name and address and soon we were walking the labyrinth at Cedar Hill. This is a really cool place to visit!

...We walked the labyrinth in silence. I thought about the past year or so... about how much I had learned but also about how much I realized I still need to learn. I thought about how much I did not know yet about this life. I got a vision of growing old with Dallas...into our nineties together.

...I thought about my children, my grandchildren, my friends and other family members...I prayed about them and for their needs. I thanked God for my life and my blessings.

...We walked to the Sister Chapel which was filled with wonderful statues of women goddesses...fresh flowers and a gentle spirit. We sat and chatted about what had flooded our mind while walking the labyrinth.

...We drove away feeling calmer and serene. Garmin led us on a wild goose chase to a quaint place to have lunch. I definitely need to update my maps! We finally found Johnny's BBQ. It was fantastic! I even splurged and had a banana pudding to go with the BBQ lunch plate!

...We came back to our site and went for a nice, peaceful float in the lake next to our campsite! We took a nap and had a little afternoon delight!



...Jami our daughter met up with us to trade vehicles so we could be sure to get all of the camping gear in the truck the next day. I got a few more calls from friends wishing me a happy day and then we had dinner at Provinos. This is a new location in Cumming! A FREE birthday dinner of lasagna was enjoyed!

...We came back to the campsite and enjoyed a game of Spite and Malice- I had won the night before but Dallas beat me twice in a row- the last game was brutal! You would have thought he would let the birthday girl win- but oh no!

...Soon we were curled up again in our tent- snuggling with some good loving for the birthday girl... 52 years old- and happy.

...It was a good day for sure...I hope it was indicative of what the coming year will bring me- peace, serenity, good loving, companionship and a friendship that is forever.

Recovery Often Begins With Anger

"...many people who recover become angry first. Anger is just a demand for change, or a passionate wish for things to be different."

This past week I learned that the hernia that has been repaired three times now, had recurred. There is a 52% recurrence rate with ventral or incisional hernias. And that is probably with folks who have great fascia. Harry, my massage therapist extraordinaire says my fascia is not sucky- but my surgeon and his PA both say otherwise.

You know when you skin a piece of chicken, the white stuff that holds the skin to the muscle? That is fascia. Seems you either have great fascia or not. I seem to fall in the "or not" part of that. Harry says it is not true. I wish it were not true but the fact that three repairs have left me with a bulge again in the left part of my abdomen begs to differ.

The surgeon says that perhaps I just take longer to heal than the average person. He repaired the bulge and gave me a six week restriction of not picking up anything more than ten pounds. I saw him after that and he gave me a clean bill of health and we considered the repair successful. He said if we choose to repair it again- it may not pose any health risks at this point- only cosmetic ones- then he may choose to restrict me for twelve weeks to see if a longer length of time not lifting will help me heal better.

I want to be angry. I have been angry with the lack of healing before. I want to have this be different- to bring about a change that will leave me better than before. I am angry that there seems to not be any tincture or pill I can take that makes my fascia stronger. I want to find a way to help me heal more proficiently.

I want to be done with surgeries- four in eighteen months seems sufficient to me. I can not be angry about the surgery if the bottom line is this began with me ridding my body of cancer. Cancer that could kill me- take me from my family and my life as I know it.

I can be angry about this not working- but I have to ask myself what is it that I still need to learn that perhaps I can share with others. I think Rachel is right- anger is part of the process- the demand for things to be different. But resolve to learn what we need to learn is perhaps the next step in the process.