on my birthday this year...

...I woke up in one of my favorite places- next to my husband of 32 years... in a tent next to the lake...listening to the birds and squirrels scampering about. Soon my phone rang with a call from my son and daughter in law singing me my first birthday song for the day!



...my lover had made a pot of coffee and we sat and ate granola bites, fresh fruit and had a cup of coffee together in side by side chairs looking out over the lake with the sun streaming over the water. Soon my friend Harry called to sing me the Birthday Blues via his harmonica accompaniment!

...we decided to go out for an adventure- a drive without having a place to go. But first we stopped by the shopping center to have him help me pick out a new swim suit. I wanted something that fit my new body- that made me feel pretty. We ended up getting me two new tankinis!

...we drove through Cumming. We decided to get out and walk a bit but were disappointed after walking around a block and finding nothing of real interest to see or do....we then began to drive toward Dawsonville but I remembered a friend- Denise- telling me about a garden with a labyrinth to walk.

...I called and got the name and address and soon we were walking the labyrinth at Cedar Hill. This is a really cool place to visit!

...We walked the labyrinth in silence. I thought about the past year or so... about how much I had learned but also about how much I realized I still need to learn. I thought about how much I did not know yet about this life. I got a vision of growing old with Dallas...into our nineties together.

...I thought about my children, my grandchildren, my friends and other family members...I prayed about them and for their needs. I thanked God for my life and my blessings.

...We walked to the Sister Chapel which was filled with wonderful statues of women goddesses...fresh flowers and a gentle spirit. We sat and chatted about what had flooded our mind while walking the labyrinth.

...We drove away feeling calmer and serene. Garmin led us on a wild goose chase to a quaint place to have lunch. I definitely need to update my maps! We finally found Johnny's BBQ. It was fantastic! I even splurged and had a banana pudding to go with the BBQ lunch plate!

...We came back to our site and went for a nice, peaceful float in the lake next to our campsite! We took a nap and had a little afternoon delight!



...Jami our daughter met up with us to trade vehicles so we could be sure to get all of the camping gear in the truck the next day. I got a few more calls from friends wishing me a happy day and then we had dinner at Provinos. This is a new location in Cumming! A FREE birthday dinner of lasagna was enjoyed!

...We came back to the campsite and enjoyed a game of Spite and Malice- I had won the night before but Dallas beat me twice in a row- the last game was brutal! You would have thought he would let the birthday girl win- but oh no!

...Soon we were curled up again in our tent- snuggling with some good loving for the birthday girl... 52 years old- and happy.

...It was a good day for sure...I hope it was indicative of what the coming year will bring me- peace, serenity, good loving, companionship and a friendship that is forever.

Recovery Often Begins With Anger

"...many people who recover become angry first. Anger is just a demand for change, or a passionate wish for things to be different."

This past week I learned that the hernia that has been repaired three times now, had recurred. There is a 52% recurrence rate with ventral or incisional hernias. And that is probably with folks who have great fascia. Harry, my massage therapist extraordinaire says my fascia is not sucky- but my surgeon and his PA both say otherwise.

You know when you skin a piece of chicken, the white stuff that holds the skin to the muscle? That is fascia. Seems you either have great fascia or not. I seem to fall in the "or not" part of that. Harry says it is not true. I wish it were not true but the fact that three repairs have left me with a bulge again in the left part of my abdomen begs to differ.

The surgeon says that perhaps I just take longer to heal than the average person. He repaired the bulge and gave me a six week restriction of not picking up anything more than ten pounds. I saw him after that and he gave me a clean bill of health and we considered the repair successful. He said if we choose to repair it again- it may not pose any health risks at this point- only cosmetic ones- then he may choose to restrict me for twelve weeks to see if a longer length of time not lifting will help me heal better.

I want to be angry. I have been angry with the lack of healing before. I want to have this be different- to bring about a change that will leave me better than before. I am angry that there seems to not be any tincture or pill I can take that makes my fascia stronger. I want to find a way to help me heal more proficiently.

I want to be done with surgeries- four in eighteen months seems sufficient to me. I can not be angry about the surgery if the bottom line is this began with me ridding my body of cancer. Cancer that could kill me- take me from my family and my life as I know it.

I can be angry about this not working- but I have to ask myself what is it that I still need to learn that perhaps I can share with others. I think Rachel is right- anger is part of the process- the demand for things to be different. But resolve to learn what we need to learn is perhaps the next step in the process.

Belief Systems and Cancer

"We may need to let go of our beliefs and ideas about life in order to have life."

We have our belief system that came from our families- our eduction- our environment- our life experiences- our religious integration and other ways. As a cancer survivor, and the daughter of a double cancer survivor, I grew up with a belief system about cancer.

I did not believe cancer would kill me. I watched it kill my aunt, but I also saw my mom fight it two times and win the battle. So although I feared that cancer would be a part of my life, I did not fear it would take my life.

I grew up with cancer being something you did not talk about to others. My mom did not wear a pink ribbon, never wore a survivor t-shirt, etc. She had lost customers - she was a hair stylist- when she was first diagnosed. Folks thought they could catch cancer from someone with it. I talk about being a survivor everywhere I can- everywhere I go. I talk about BRCA to anyone who will listen.

My mom did not wear the term "survivor" since she did not publicly talk about having had cancer to anyone outside of her immediate friends. I was intimidated to wear that term for a long time. Not having to have chemo or radiation made me feel less than a survivor. But then when I had so many revision surgeries due to my abdominal infection and hernias, I changed my mind. I love wearing my survivor shirts! But I do remember my mom saying that you were not cured of cancer until you died of something else! She indeed died of something else. But I see myself as cured of cancer- as does my oncologist!

My mom was a woman of courage. I did grow up with the belief that I could do anything I set my mind to do. My mom fostered that in me. I think that belief helped me during the healing from my cancer. I also think it is what led me to have my initial surgery before it was known that I had cancer. I am not sure she would have agreed with my prophylactic mastectomy- but I am sure she would have been proud of the way I have handled things once the cancer was diagnosed.

God has given me courage through this journey. My parents supported the belief system of God giving me that strength. But my activism- my proactive nature came from the intuition that God has given me- not anything else. Our society does not support the intuitive nature that is within each of us. My religious upbringing did not nurture that aspect of God either. But I believe that is indeed the thing that has helped to give me a fuller life. I had to let go of the facts... the philosophy of others... the science... and go with my intuitive spirit- a new belief system for most of us, but one that has been there all along!

Loving and Risking

"Those who don't love themselves rarely love life as it is either ...in avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness, or even that the love we have been given can be trusted."

Part of beginning to love ourselves is our accepting ourselves. We all make bad decisions and mistakes and sometimes we are so hard on ourselves and so non forgiving. We are super judgmental and do not offer any grace to ourselves. We often recoil and retreat and are fearful of risking again for fear of making a mistake and failing again. We don't feel we can change or we are unwilling or fearful to do what we need to do to make a change. And then we wonder why we don't get what we want. We are afraid to risk and therefore can not achieve what we were meant to accomplish.

When we do this we not only cheat ourselves but we also cheat others. Because us not becoming what we could, cheats them. And we by example will cause others to be led by their fear instead of learning the strengths they may possess.

If we are so afraid of hurting or suffering we may retreat in that fear and decide to not move forward- thus becoming frozen in our fear. We will never know the plans that God has for us. The plans for us to prosper. The plans he has for us to become strong and do something really great are stymied.

But if we can push through the fear of failure and when we can forgive ourselves... risking pain to move forward... we may find love, a level of intimacy we have never known, acceptance, an ability to help others and to become what we were meant to become. Take the risk! Begin to love yourself and love life!

Dealing With Loss

"The way we deal with loss, shapes our capacity to be present to life more than anything else. The way we protect ourselves from loss may be the way in which we distance ourselves from life."

Mother's Day is coming up soon. It is the hardest holiday of the year for me. May 16th is the anniversary of my mom's death. I was not a mama's girl- I had been a daddy's girl all my life. But boy is Mother's Day a hard day for me. I miss my mom so badly, especially this time of year. When the flowers are blooming, I always think of her- she was a master gardener. My raised flower bed in the back is in her memory. I built it to help me with my loss. I garden to help me deal with my loss. Every time I buy a plant at Lowe's or Home Depot my husband comments on how it is my mom channeling through me. My mom shaped me as a person and her loss has certainly shaped my capacity to live.

When I decided to have my breasts removed, I wondered what my mom would have said. When I found out I had had cancer, I wanted to talk to my mom about it. I wanted her to hold me while I cried. I needed her arms around me. I have chosen to stay open and vulnerable during this time in my life. I share my story with anyone who will listen. I show my scars to any woman who wants to see. I will not distance myself and draw inside during the hard times. I try to allow others in to help me when I need it.

Stay open- remain as vulnerable as possible- let others in- share your stories- listen to others- stay real... it will help you heal.

Being Brave

"Being brave does not mean being unafraid. It often means being afraid and doing it anyway."

Bravery: being courageous, having nerve or guts.

Often when folks comment about my decision to remove my breasts without having a diagnosis of cancer due to my propensity for breast cancer due to being a BRCA1 carrier, they call me brave. I had not thought about it that way. I considered myself proactive but brave did not enter my mind initially. But I do realize I was afraid and decided to push that fear aside and do what would enable me to live longer- live without having to perhaps endure chemotherapy and a diagnosis of a cancer that had spread to other parts of my body. I realize now I faced that fear and did something about it. I guess I am brave. It did take guts to go into the OR and have my breasts removed. Later when the pathology found the cancer, it affirmed that I had made the right decision.

When I read the quote by Rachel, I thought about being brave in a new way. I knew I had the fear- that the fear of cancer was motivating me. That is probably why initially I did not understand the word bravery to describe my actions. But her slant on the "doing it anyway," put that into a new perspective for me.

Sometimes doing the hard thing, the thing others may not understand... but the very thing you know to be the right thing does take bravery- courage- guts. I hope you can be brave in areas that are facing you.

Kindness

"Perhaps the worth of a lifetime is measured more in kindness than in competency."

I have often heard it said, "No one cares how much you know, they need to know how much you care."

kindness: compassion, sympathy, gentleness, kindheartedness, humanity, thoughfulness, benevolence or helpfulness
compentency: ability, capability, skill, proficiency, aptitude, expertise, experience or know how.

When someone dies do you really talk about how smart they were- how much they knew? No, you remember what their character was like. Were they kind or cruel? What our legacy is that we leave behind is how we made others feel.

So consider the quote- live your life caring about others...showing kindness is so much more important that having a ton of expertise!

The way we do this is to listen with more open hearts in order to feel their heart felt feelings and this brings about more understanding. Then with understanding we can offer compassion and helpfulness.

I want my lifetime to be measured in this way, don't you?